My Body, My Band, My Rant...

On the road again..

2012-02-15T18:56:00.001-05:00

Yes, I am on the road again for work.
I guess they think the single girl doesn't need a life and is available to travel at the drop of a dime.
And better yet, let's just send her on her way over Valentine's day..

And so off to Nevada I go.. for 5 days.
Thinking I would be forgotten, with no X's and O's on the horizon.

But lo and behold, after a very long day on Tuesday (keep in mind my day starts at 5:30 am PST and ends around 9:00 PST), I walked into my hotel room to find a single red rose and box of chocolate truffels.

"what is this", I thought. The hotel staff was too sweet to think about us travelers who are alone and away from home.

And then, I noticed their was a card with the flowers. And yes, you guess it.. I wasn't forgotten at all.. Dear Sweet K remembered me!!..

Now that puts a smile on a girls face!

So I am hoping to make it home on Friday.. we got lots of snow here (and I am definitely NOT a fan of the S word)..

Hoping that everyone is doing well.. and I promise to post about some of my fickeled eating challenges .. from I can eat a horse to ... wow, can I get this water down.. a shift in eating over a 24 hours that is driving me nuts!!!

NEED ME A LITTLE BYOC!!!!

2012-02-10T11:58:00.003-05:00

It’s Friday and that means it’s time for BYOC! Bring Your Own Crazy! We answer 5 questions in an effort to get to know each other better and to give our blogging brains a break.

1. Name a Valentine gift you would NOT want to receive.
Do NOT give me something that will remind me that I still have a big round old BUTT.

2. What’s your vacation personality? Do you act/eat/talk/do things differently or completely opposite from when you are not on vacation?

When I am NOT on vacation I am time obsessed. I am always trying to plan all of my little "ACTION ITEMS" and balance them against work, life, romance.. it gets old quick.

While I am on vacation... I am a sit by the pool and chill kind of person. Athough I do like a vacation night life.

I travel so much for my job, the thought of NOT having to think or do for others is a true JOY.

3. Describe yourself in 5 POSITIVE words.

Savy

Sensitive

Sensual

Soft

Smiley

4. Do you have any phobias or irrational fears or dislikes?

I do not like Roller Coasters. But as far as fears, I have a fear of being forgotten, don't know why, but the fear of being left out in life has always haunted me.

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in blog land and in real life.

I am trying to post more.. but I do read alot; especially 3 am when my eyes pop open and I can not get back to sleep.

In real life... I don't want to say too much here.. but hmmm...it's getting good.

have a great week.

I need a MLA...

2012-02-07T14:44:00.001-05:00

My alarm goes off at 6 am every morning, but I am up way in advance.
I have developed this dreaded habit of waking up at 4:30 .. ugh.. I really really would like to sleep til 6am.

To be honest, I still have these little moments of anxiety.. I mean heart racing, losing my breath and getting dizzy moments.

I guess the problem is I think too much about the "what if's" in life.

I have also come to realize I have probably spent countless hours worrying about things I can not control.

I guess worry has its place in life.. although it seems like a lot of wasted energy at times.

Letting worry go is one of my life lessons to conquer this year.

I have observed those that do not let things get to them. They seem to be fairly content individuals.
I admire them.

It makes me stop and wonder if I have some kind of OCD or something.
WHY DO I WORRY SO MUCH.. about my own personal life.

The odd thing, is when I am at work.. I hardly worry about anything. I am always developing some kind of action plan or response team to evaluate situations or problems. Always, calm, cool and composed.

Why can't I transfer this to my personal life?

Instead of having an MBA, I think I need a MLA (Masters of Life Administration).

It is truly something I want to improve upon in my life.
I know this will make me a better person and allow me to enjoy life.

Be well.

A little bit of this ... and a little bit of that

2012-02-05T19:01:00.000-05:00

I must be the only person in the US that is NOT at a super bowl party.
That's right.. its just me and my two yorkies (Sophie and Chloe).

We don't have any munchies, or beer for that fact.
What am I doing.. I am cleaning and reorganizing.

I totally have that keep it toss it bug again.

So my two big projects this week have been my new pantry and re arranging my fireplace mantel.

I probably donated 3 large boxes of food to the food kitchen.
It feels good to only have food that I need .. and to streamline

I got these two lanterns from QVC, they have flameless candles that are on a timer. They are pretty neat.

I am about to tackle a linen closet.. it's hard to let go of stuff you have had forever, but I am at that point in my life that I need to let go of stuff that I no longer use..

On a different note, my bathroom scale has been in need of a new battery.. every time I got on it. the word LO would show up..I took that to mean that my weight was going in the right direction.

On a serious note, several weeks ago, I had this little eating incident eating mussels.
I had a serious stuck incident that left me unable to eat for several days.

It has since calmed down, but I can tell you if I have something other than thick soup, it comes right up. I have been living on soup ... so when I went to change the battery on my scale.

VOILA.. I dropped 7 pounds.. nice
Not a nice way to lose weight, but I will take it.

I just hope I can keep it off.. its been a while since I dropped that amount of weight.. in fact its probably been about a year.

So I just hope to stablize.. I started to buy spring clothes so I would like to keep it off

Well here I am in my Patriots Gear..and by the looks of things.. we need a little magic. be well

All that and a bag of chips

2012-01-31T15:23:00.001-05:00

WARNING... WARNING... WARNING.. Vanity Post ahead..

Alright, do you ever feel so good about yourself you could jump back and kiss yourself.
I mean, when you get a feeling (and probably just figure out) that you are probably at the best you are ever going to be and that you might as well enjoy it.

Maybe its age that gets me in that mindset.. you know, past the self conscious 20's, the career track 30's, the don't bother me I am too busy raising a family 40's and now I am in my It's all about me 50's.

Yeah, that's where I am.
It's a good place to be .. honest.
I am not out to please or impress anyone.
I just do my thing, swagger.
Cause you just get that feeling that you are all that and a bag of chips to boot.
AND NO I AM NOT ON DRUGS!!

Getting to a good place mentally is so important for us to be happy.
I read so much about people who are never happy.. I mean never.
How can that be?
Believe me I know life can throw sh*t at you, believe me I DO GET THAT!!

But if you don't start to love yourself, and appreciate the YOU that you are, then you are missing out on one of the greatest rides in life.. HAPPINESS.. and it does start with self love.

Think about it .. people gravitate towards positive people.
Don't you dread interacting with toxic people, people who complain (ALL THE TIME).

When you are happy, there is a certain vibe that you send off to others.. people notice.
Now I don't want you to think I am some kind of manic nut, far from it, but I think I am finally, finally, finally figuring this all out..

So tonight, before you go to sleep.
Look in that mirror and give yourself a big SMOOCH!!!

I guarantee the person looking at you will kiss you back.

Be well

Is anybody else addicted to COSTCO!!!

2012-01-30T17:09:00.001-05:00

They just opened a new Costco near me.
We had BJs and Sams .. and they are OK, but there is something about this COSTCO, that keeps drawing me back to SHOP!

Ok, self admittedly, I do have a shopping problem, but I find myself gazing a some of the stupidest stuff.

And then worse yet, I BUY IT!!
How many freakin fuzzy blankets do I need!
I have 5 pairs of hunter boot liners.. really.. it hasn't even snowed here (that much).

I actually have been thinking about going there tonight..
I have become addicted to the peppery pistachio nuts; and their soups. Go figure.

They do have some great buys though, I bought the Strivectin Neck cream.. two large containers at probably the price it would cost for one. (but then again I love my cosmetics)..

In fact the thought of COSTCO has me so excited.. I am going to log off my computer and go there NOW!!!

Ok, my thoughts...

2012-01-29T15:19:00.001-05:00

Alright Ladies...

I am not nuts, I just decided to pop back onto my old blog and keep the topic very band centric.

I have been reading all of the "perfect bandster" chatter across the blogs.

Here is my bottom line.. we are all perfect, because we made the decision to take action and do something about our weight.

We do not need to validate anything we do or don't do.
If we have one food choice over the other
It is what it is.
Its called life, and living it.

I think we are all very good at giving ourselves a good kick in the pants when we need it, after all we are all probably our worst critics.

I have been hovering at the same weight for about 6 months.. I am not at goal, but I am a far place from where I started this journey and thats OK.

I have some motivation I have setup for my self.. a new spring dress, two trip to sunny Florida, where the winter hibernation coverups just wont work.

We really need each other in this journey, we need to inspire the newly banded and comfort the veteran bandsters.

I know that you all have provided an OVERWHELMING amount of support to me... and for that I will ALWAYS be incredibly grateful.

Let's be kind to one another, because.. in the end, no one really knows the life of a bandster other than US.

have a great weekend.

8 is a Beautiful Number

2011-10-10T10:53:00.001-04:00

First.... HAPPY COLUMBUS DAY FOR US citizens and HAPPY THANKSGIVING for my Canadian friends.. Yippee!!

It's hard to believe that I am even typing this post.
But this weekend I bought a pair of size 8 dress pants.

A freakin size 8 people!!

I will be banded two years on Oct. 29th and I have gone from a size 22 to the edge of a size 8.
I am not saying all size 8's fit me, but this pair of Worthington dress pants fit me nice (and I am going to claim size NSV).

I am so motivated now... to get to the point where I knowingly feel I OWN size 8, it becomes second nature to claim it for pants size.

The reality and disclaimer is that my TOP does NOT match my BOTTOM. I still need to have Large for tops (for previously disclosed reasons). But I will take it!

So How about you.. what size are you aiming to OWN as your goal size.. (and yes.. it is only a number, but damn.. it feels good).

Hugs

BOOBS 2.0

2011-10-05T17:08:00.000-04:00

Wow..
I have been reading every one's recant of the Chicago Experience.
It's all true!!
It was spectacular and unforgettable. and not enough can be said about the planners.
You LADIES ARE WONDERFUL
YOU MADE IT ALL HAPPEN FOR US!!

I made my karaoke debut.. and probably ,my last appearance.
I was especially touched by the love and support as I sang "I will always love you".

Seeing everyone and meeting new friends.. priceless
The shopping on Michigan AVE.. FAB!!!
The SPA... FAB
The PJ party and ice cream.. FATBULOUS!!
The "special gift" with trinkets and toys.. ummm.. I am still reading the directions and may have some questions (LOL)

It seemed like the 4 days went by in a flash!

Thank you to everyone who LIVED IN THE MOMENT.

Hugs and Kisses

Freaking Out

2011-09-27T12:46:00.002-04:00

Ok, tell me to chill, tell me whatsup with you.. but honestly... I am starting to freak out a bit about the trip.

I have SO MUCH CRAP going on in my life right now... and after seeing Joey's VLOG, I am like yeah what the hell am I GOING TO PACK.

I really have not given this much thought.. and damn I know I can buy anything I need there.. but I am a planner, a control freak, a gotta have it all together type of person.... so flying by the seat of my pants (which will of course be buckeled into a plane seat) is just not me.

I have eaten another chocolate bar this morning.. WTF.. this is how I deal with stress, I shove whatever is near me into my mouth... and then PB it right up.

I know it is going to be an absolute blast, but damn I am so full of anxiety these days it is just not fun.

I truly just want to disconnect from the world Thursday through Sunday... but there is so much on my to do before I leave list it is stressing the daylights out of me...

AND ITS MOSTLY WORK RELATED.... so yeah, I am going to find that spa that will wisk me away when I get to CHICAGO...

hugs.. I just needed to get this off of my Thelma and Louise..

CHiCAGO SPA Follow UP

2011-09-27T09:03:00.000-04:00

Hi Ladies,

Well your response for interest in a little TLC for ourselves was overwhelming..
So .. it doesn't look like we would all be able to gather in a single spa.

BUT.. I did go onto Groupon Chicago
and there are a bunch of deals (they even have a map to show you location to the hotel)

Get Pampered in Chicago

UPDATE: Looks like this one is nearby the hotel.. facials for $59...

http://www.groupon.com/deals/heavenly-massage-1

So if you click on this link.. you can see the current groupon.coupon's and if you click on ALL DEALS at the very top of the page, there are even more groupon coupon deals.

So happy hunting.. hope you all find something that will wisk you away (at least for an hour).

Hugs
Barbara

BOOBS + SPA TIME

2011-09-25T10:22:00.001-04:00

Alright ladies,
I am going to start the search for spa places.
So many have responded that I think it will be a challenge to get us in all at the same time, but I will research the best spa's (within distance of the hotel) and call to see if they can provide us with some discount rate if we go with the same spa (I will work my magic).

Also, I am going to to look for some groupon coupon's... and will report back..
Stay tuned,
I will focus on
Facials
Massages and mani/pedi deals..

Stay tuned my lovelies...

Why I love my BOOBS!!

2011-09-21T20:16:00.001-04:00

no no no.. not those Boobs.. although I do love them.

I am talking about YOU!!!

Guess who I had dinner with on Monday Night in Old Montreal?

Sandy Lee and her so cutie hubs (Tim).
What an absolutley lovely couple...

I just love the fact that I can be travelling anywhere for work and be able to meet up with you guys.

You are the best.. and the excitement once we meet...

So please if anyone is passing through Philly, make sure you reach out to me.. I would be thrilled to connect with you...

So how many days till CHI?

ALERT ALERT ALERT... if you thought Joey was hot last year.. be prepared... she is gonna knock it out of the ball park this year!!!

A Dose of Positive Energy is What I Need!!!!

2011-09-12T21:28:00.002-04:00

I just read Sandy's post on emotional energy... and boy could I use a dose of that right now.

Why is everyone so crabby on Monday's??
I get that it is Monday, beginning of the week, but brother.. some people are just plain miserable.

And you know what.. I don't need to be around that!!

Toxic, stressful people are just not worth my energy... seriously..

I know I have written ad nauseum about living in the moment, but people.. you have got to believe me, that this life is too short to fret over crap.. really...

And to exert your energy with worry and negativity is truly not worth your hours and minutes here on earth..

I just love Steph's dose of positivity.. it boosts my morale when I need it.

I say when we get to CHI we toast POSITIVITY..because I think we all deserve a dose of that..

Be well

Hugging.. it does the heart good!!

2011-09-11T13:09:00.000-04:00

Hugs...
They are incredibly powerful.
Do you know why...
Because they involve intention, emotion and response..

In my lifetime I have must have received 10,000 hugs.
From my late husband,my daughters.. family members... friends and acquaintances
And from all of you in my blog world.
That is the receiving part of a hug...

But yesterday... I gave a hug..
to an elderly man (probably in his 70's) who is going through chemo, and struggling.
He has no family or none that come around (so he shared)... and he was talking about his chemo regimen. This is a topic I unfortunately know too well.. but still I listened intently to what he wanted to share...

As he finished up his meal, he came up to me and thanked me for listening to him... and I gave him a hug and told him to hang in there.. and kick cancer's ass.

Sadly, this is not the first time I have had this conversation and connection with someone who is battling cancer. I have a neighbor (very young) who is at stage IV.. and has failed every chemo trial..
We usually see each other once or twice a week, she is astonishingly beautiful, with two young children and tough as nails in her determination to fight cancer.. which has now spread to her brain.. not good.. not good at all.

But she openly shares her thoughts, her fears, and frustrations... and we hug and assure ourselves that she has alot of people pulling for her.. I know that feeling too..

And then there is a man I work with, who works in SC. He shared that his wife's glioblastoma (brain cancer) has returned angry as ever. The distance is too great for a real hug.. but through comforting words and intentions, and knowing the emotional strain cancer places on you.. I reassured him that he had a great team of people around him to support and to care for his wife, who he was now considering hospice... another hug leaped from my heart..

Although my posts speaks about people battling cancer, it doesn't have to be that which prompts you to hold a hand, give a hug, or share a smile.. so many people are hurting and may need one.

So give a hug.. it will do your heart good..

be well.

It's FRIDAY... so it MUST be BYOC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2011-09-09T11:31:00.000-04:00

The weekend is upon us.. TGIF..

If only the rain would let up .. it could be a great weekend.
Hoping everyone has a great weekend.. hugs.

BYOC... the low down....

1. Do you drink coffee? Decaf or regular? Cold or hot? If not – what’s your go-to morning drink?

I drink the hi-test coffee, the stronger the better, love espresso... I need me a cup o Joe in the morning or the B in my comes out...enough said.

2. What are your top six characteristics in a partner if you could hand pick them. And just for kicks – if you’re in a relationship – after you make the list of six – does the person you are with possess all five?
Hmm.. geez..
Honesty and Trustworthy
Respectful
Sense of Humor
Spontaneous
Compassionate
Loyal

And to answer the question... YES.

3. I’m going to pick a person – not knowing if this person even exists in your life – and you try to describe this person in 5 short words or sentences:

I have seen this person grow and blossom in so many ways.
A heart full of love, and sensitivity to fill and comfort the world.
Caring and humor, wrapped into one wonderful being~~

4. What’s your signature item? Color? Piece of clothing or jewelry? Accessory? You know – that one thing people know you will ALWAYS have on?

I have a cuff bracelt that I love, its from Ann King and is sterling silver and 18Kt gold. I love to wear it and it always gets noticed.

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in real life and in blog life.

My Band Peeps are the BEST!!

2011-09-08T12:43:00.000-04:00

Can you believe that BOOBS II is just around the corner!!
EEEEK!!

I am getting so freakin excited about going and meeting all of you.
I have been remiss in posting, but wanted to thank all of my sweet boobs for their comments on the BOOB of the Day feature.. you guys are great.

It has certainly been a life changing year for me on so many different levels.
Never in my wildest dreams, would I ever have envisioned where I would be today.

I know I have said this a million times.. but I truly do continue to LIVE IN THE MOMENT.

and you know what.. it has been good for me on so many levels.
Have I become more selfish.. um.. yes..
Have I come to realize that life has so much to offer.. um yes

Have I grown as a person.. hell yes!!

This past weekend I went boating on the Chesapeake Bay.. it was so much freakin fun, we went to all of these little pull up bars and stopped at one place to have steamed crabs and beer.. and I even went fishing (but did not catch anything).

Went to the Phils game last night and had a blast.
Have been shopping my petunias of for two upcoming business trips and for BOOBs II.

Going to the Red Sox game next week in Boston
and then to a Red Sox game at Yankee Stadium
I will be heading up to Montreal on Sept. 19 and 20
Work has been keeping me SOO busy, so I have had to fit my FUN in between.

And hold on to your hats girls, K is looking into getting a motorcycle..

And to top it all off... I am going to Key West for Christmas.. yipee
I have already started to hit the sale racks for bathing suits..

So I can honestly say I am in a good place right now (even with the crap storm of stuff going on with my house)... I would have let that stuff stress the hell out of me before.. but NO MORE!!
It is what it is.. and you just need to let it all play out.. because what I have learned (finally) is that stressing gets you no where in life.

I also think that letting stress take over your life is what makes you want to EAT.
Not any more.. if you cant personally change the situation, then let it play out..
That is working for me.. so I am sticking to it.

Be well all of my sweeties.. special hugs to Draz.. she is my fairy god mother!!!

Hugs!

Latisse and other products

2011-08-31T11:02:00.000-04:00

In between the chaos of my day, I have still managed to get in some follow up appts to my recent PS venture.

All is going well from my 01 July 2011 surgery.. I have no complaints.. the doctor did a really good job!! and I would do it again in a heart beat.

During that 01July surgery, I also had my first of three Sculptra fill treatments.
My second treatment was last Tuesday, so it has been a little over a week.
Sculptra is a collagen stimulating product.
I did not notice so much a change with the first treatment as I have with the second.
It takes a couple of months to fully see the impact of the product (as your body is in the process of creating its own collagen to plump up the places where it was injected).. I had this primarily in my cheek area.

I also had a few jabs of botox at the bridge of my nose. I did not want to have my face frozen so that I did not have expression in my eye brows when I spoke, so this was more or less a mini treatment so that the 11 mark in between your eyes was not prominent. (this is what you deal with ladies as you get older)

And the last product I am dabbling with is Latisse.. this is the product that was intended to treat glaucoma but ended up growing long thick dark eyelashes on the patients enrolled in the clinical trials.

So having sparse lashes (unlike my daughters who inherited my husbands thick luscious lashes) I decided to give it a whirl.
Its only been a week, but damn, my lashes are starting to grow.
I noticed this morning as I was applying mascara that the wand was extending much farther up the lash.

The one side effect that was noted was possible reddening of the eye (which I do have in one eye but I am not sure if that is due to product or the fact that my contacts seem to be drying out quicker).. I will monitor this to see what the true impact will be on use.

So that's about it from beauty land... I am a sucker for beauty products, actually probably more like a product junkie.. I love love love to try new products..

Survey Says...

2011-08-30T13:53:00.000-04:00

How did you pick your blog name?

Great question...
I have changed my blog name a few times, to adapt to my mindset.
its a woman's prerogative to change her mind.. right?
So my blog title is My Body, My Band, My Rant
Which means just about anything is up for discussion.
But probably mostly band rants.. does that make sense?

When did you start blogging?
I started in 2009 just before being banded

Did you go to BOOBs 2010?
Sure did, had a great time... that's why I am coming back for MORE MORE MORE..

When were you banded?
October 29th 2009, two days before Halloween, I was on the two week pre band fast and then after banding I couldn't eat, so I missed my usual 5lb Halloween candy weight gain.. YEAH I thought.. the band is working already!

How much have you lost?
Just about 85 lbs, I have about 20 more lbs to go.. I am in no rush...

What are you most looking forward to at BOOBs?
I want to personally thank everyone who supported me last year and this year. The love and kind words of support was overwhelming at times.. who would ever have thought that a community of women would band so tightly and give so unselfishly of themselves... you will always have a place in my heart.

What/who do you hope to find/see/accomplish at BOOBs 2011?
To make our newcomers feel welcomed and to smother the BOOBS I group with hugs and kisses

Children? Pets?
I have two incredible daughters, whom I love and I know love me. They are the apple of their fathers eye.
I also have two fur babies (yorkies) Chloe and Sophie and a pond full of koi fish

Who is your roomie?
Well, I am the luckiest girl in town.. I have Cindlew... she was my roomie last year and she is mine this year and the next and the next and the next.. She is wonderful and we are travelling together!!!

What day do you arrive?
Thursday .. a day earlier than last year when I almost had a stroke because our flights were CANCELLED last minute.. ugh.. I do not need that stress.
What events are you signed up for?

Whatever Cindylew is signed up for .. so am I.. although I don't think I am doing the 5K.. I will just slip into a spa somewhere and weal away the time..
Hobbies?
hmm, I love to shop, and am into home decor.. I like going to spa's does that count as a hobby??
Career?
I am in regulatory compliance for pharmaceutical drug development (pre-market).
Single? Married? In a relationship?
wow, this one is tough to respond to.. I was married for almost 32 years to the most amazing man in the world, there will never be anyone like him, so I don't even bother to look for some one like him.. but there is someone I am seeing now and he is fun to be with.

Your birthday month?
I am a January baby, a true Capricorn.. in every sense.
What do you want other BOOBs to know about you?
Well, let me see..
I am one of the oldest BOOBS, but have had some maintenance work so that I can stay as charming as you young whipper snappers.
I now have BQQBs.. so I fit in with the meeting theme
I am very social (Ask Joey, Sandy and Cindy)
I love to laugh and shop and shop and laugh.
I am looking forward to meeting all of you and giving lots of hugs!!!

Sunny days, stinky carpet and not so exciting fill

2011-08-29T17:55:00.000-04:00

Yuck,.. sump pump juice and carpet = STINK.
I am at least in the queue for service to come rescue and remove the carpet.

What would like be like if not for a little excitement now and then..

The good news is that it was an absolutely beautiful day.. and I was able to open all the windows and assist with the airing of the STINK.

I am having a love affair with Healthy Choice fudge bars.. not because they are delicious,but mainly because we were without power for 10 hours yesterday and I was damn if I was going to let those babies spoil?
NO
I dutifully ate one every hour.. yes read that 10 fudge bars..

So that brings up my next topic, my fill.
I got .25 to bring me to a full 10CC in my 11cc band.. um.. did I just mention I ate 10 fudge bars.
Could I consider the fudge bar to be a slider food .. I guess so.. but I have no regrets.

Why?
Because whatever calories I have stored in my fat little (or not so little depending on the view) ass, was worked off today with lugging stuff around and weeding a huge back garden.
This momma worked her ass off..

So there you have it my friends.. I am counting the days to CHI time.. hugs

Irene and I are NOT friends

2011-08-28T06:50:00.001-04:00

Goodnight and good riddenes IRENE!!!

My sump pump failed and Irene has managed to bring along 8 inches of rain and luck being what it is in my life..

My sump pump failed to kick in.

It totally sucks,

If only Home Depot was open 24 hours.. but no..

I have been up all night calling service people to come out to replace the sump pump.
Looks like I am not the only one with that problem..

But.. It's too late
The water continues to flow out of the little well holding the sump pump ..
and it continues to rain, which means, its not over..

I have already filed a homeowner claim.. hmm, seems I am not the only one filing a claim, so they dont know when they can get back to me..

So now I wait for Irene to leave... um... let me put it more bluntly.. GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!

When you wish upon a star******

2011-08-18T10:20:00.000-04:00

Ok ladies... is wish upon a star time..

Let's get it going.. cause I need a little optimism in my life right now!

If I wished upon a star.. here is what I would wish for:

Smiles that would be contagious
Prayers that would be answered
Hearts that could see things from my eyes
Wrinkles that could reverse
Flowers that bloomed outside in winter
Mexican food that didn't make me burp
Memories that never fade
That all children are safe, never know hunger and feel loved.

How about you... what would you wish upon a star for in your life?

Time for a Fill!!

2011-08-17T15:31:00.000-04:00

Why do Peanut M&M's taste so goooooood!!!!
Ugh.. I want to blame them, but to be honest ... I think I had an overdose of "too much fun" in san diego.

The scale was not kind to me upon my return, so I have a fill scheduled for 26 Aug.
I really thought I was doing fine with portion size, but I have noticed a bit more volume going in..

I came to this realization last evening when after juicing myself up (with vegetables and fruits with my new juicer) that I needed something solid to eat as well, so I had a chicken breast.. and then within 2 hours, WHAM.

I went back to my new found snack food, garlic hummus and wheat thin crackers.. besides chocolate this is my new weakness.

I am not sure that I am out of the green zone, but it sure feels as if I am moving in that direction and I really want to stop the trend.

I am a firm believer in the pressure of the band on the vagus nerve, and that this has a direct impact on my desire to eat more, even though I know I have eatten a sufficient portion (protein, calories, etc).

I also know that I am struggling to lose the next 10 pounds, and damn, I want to hit that number in 2011.

So here is to the last bag of M&M's, may they rest as Reese pieces..

Be well

Joey and FUN!!

2011-08-16T13:05:00.001-04:00

Yep.. those words just about sums up my time in San Diego.

I had an absolute BLAST!!!

Honestly, Joey is the absolute funnest (yes I know that is not a word, but it applies here) person.
And she had guys googling at her ALL THE TIME, she is that gorgeous!!1

if you caught her post, she already shared part I of the adventures of Joey and Barbie.. I won't or can't
say too much about part II, but let's just say, it was even more fun than part I.

I have to say, many times I thought about just packing up and moving to SD... it is a wonderful town, great people and just plain F U N!!!!

I did gain 2 pounds (I hope that cheesecake had nothing to do with it).. but am trying to get back on track with my eating scheme.

I just bought the Jack LaLanne juicer and am giving this a try.. I seem to just do better with liquid meals (soups, protein drinks etc) and I would like to get down at least another 10 lbs before CHI!! When I will see all of you lovely lovely loveyly ladies again...

Be well my friends.

SoJourn

2011-08-07T10:41:00.000-04:00

So, I will be taking a little sojourn...

I definitely will not be leaving blog land, just a temporary absence..

I will definitely be in CHI town to see all of you.

Its all good, and I am in a very good place ..

Be well

Hugs

Realizing When I was Fat

2011-08-03T13:40:00.000-04:00

As I was walking into my building at work today, it FINALLY struck me that at one point pre band I was fat.

Now bear with me on this one...

Prior to getting the band, I really truly must have had some type of body dysmorphic disorder going on in my head.

Even at 250 pounds, I never ever thought of my self as Fat or overweight (just a little on the chunky side)
Yes, I wore plus sizes, yes my shoes width was WW, yes I considered my appetite and food selection to be balanced and healthy.

YES.. I was in total denial about what was really going on inside my head and body...

It wasn't until I saw the scale move into the 150's that I realized that about 100 pounds ago I really was fat.
Now I do not say this to make anyone out there who is just starting this journey feel bad.
My point is that I just didn't realize that my mental and physical shape were so out of alignment. When I was a heavier weight, I did not see myself any different than a person within a normal weight range.

Little did I know that now there are differences, such as:

Who knew that it would be so much easier to run up a flight of stairs
That there would be a day when size 8 was really within my reach.
That the quality of food was more important than quantity
That looking in the mirror and saying I guess I look OK, vs. I look great
When my shadow actually looks like a shadow and not like a huge dark spot on the ground, that my body has shape and definition.
That I would have a better sense of self,
and that it is all good... ALL OF IT.

hugs

Remembering the Little things in LIFE..

2011-08-02T19:09:00.000-04:00

I just read Draz's Post about Chipmunk Giggles.
It got me thinking..
How many times we discount the little things that are so precious in life.

Life events have totally changed my way of viewing life.

I can't freakin please everyone. NOR do I want to.. but I definitely want to live in the moment.
I missed some good parts of life.. and I do not want to REPEAT that.

I have several regrets about spending time on the wrong things in life, PEOPLE its all about the memories.

My one daughter tried to tell me this several times.. and she is so freakin smart.. SHE IS RIGHT!

So there you have it .. don't fret with the scale, or your job, or whether the debt ceiling bill gets passed or not... LIVE YOUR LIFE!!

This is yet another blessing that Mark has bestowed upon me.. a strange thing to write but it is the truth..

Listen to the giggles in life.. and embrace them...

They are sometimes far and few in between.. so ENJOY!!

What a Girl Wants...

2011-08-02T07:02:00.000-04:00

Hugs to all of my new followers.. Please, if I am not posting on your blog could you leave your blog address in the comments section and I promise to stop by... :)

I have so much going on in my life.
The pace is hectic.

I have a follow up with my PS on Thursday. Thelma and Louise are starting to drop and soften and I know you are probably sick of me saying this.. but this has GOT to be one of the best life improving decisions, only second to getting my band.
WHAT GIRL DOESN'T LIKE A SET OF BOOBS THAT STAND TO ATTENTION

Also, the guy I am seeing (K) and I are hitting it off just perfectly.
He is a fantastic cook, I am talking gourmet, takes charge of planning the meal, cooking and clean up.
And is fantastic in a number of other departments (not to be named here).
He is F U N!!!
WHAT GIRL DOESN'T LIKE THAT!!

I am getting ready for some great travel (business and travel) and am hoping to catch up with Joey in SD. It is so nice to not fear the size of the plane seat or location of that seat on the plane, cause that buckle with fasten up fine. And knowing that people wont dread me seating next to them.
WHAT GIRL DOESN'T LIKE THAT.

And the fashion selections, clothes shopping, now that I am in the 150's.. choices galore, and with the boobs to just smooth out my curves and look sexy..
NOW WHAT GIRL DOESN't LIKE THAT ONE!!

Life is good... and after all isn't that What a Girl really wants!

CHICAGOSENSITIVITY

2011-07-27T12:53:00.000-04:00

Alright, I am a self proclaimed nut!

And, I am getting excited about CHI Town.

(before so I will be heading out to Reno and San Diego (do you hear me JOEY... I WILL BE IN SD!!)

and then I have a Christmas getaway planned.. nice!

So, I have so much incentive to get the FLAB from DRAB to FAB.

Eating has been working well for me.. I truly only eat when I a) remember to or b) am in a restaurant and I need to be conscious of my food selection so I do not overdo, slim or likewise..so I keep my menu selections fairly limited.

I was at a client meeting yesterday and the food selection sucked 100%.
I think I made this comment on my blog, but I do tend to see food selection and healthiness at my company become more selective the higher up the organization chart you go.

In other words, bagels would never be on the menu for an executive meeting breakfast (at least not at my company), the CEO is a health nut and the menu for the day is what he likes and wants to eat.

I have all but limited red meat to once a month. Honestly, not that I dont like it, there is just no incentive to cook it and we all know that beef fills you up pretty quick.

Now that the scale is tittering in the 150's, I am noticing the loose skin on my arms, and folks it is not pretty,
it does not go along with my face, boobs or otherwise.. (see picture). I look like I am 100 years old in my upper arms.

I see my options as the following:
1. arm lift
2. Implants like Pop eye
3. amputation.

Its just a little freaky cause it doesn't go with the rest of me at this point.

I have bought a ton of potions to run on these suckers.
I read that drinking milk helps skin elasticity
I am hoping some weight training will smooth some of it out.

Its freakin frustrating, and I know its because of carrying that weight around for so many years. and now its as stretched out as a rubber band holding a jack rabbits back legs together!!

I could summon myself to wearing long sleeve shirts for life, but honestly now that I finally do have a life, there are occasions when my arms are exposed.

I know, I know, be happy you have arms... yeah.. I know.
So.. that is my Wednesday woe..
F it.. they are my arms and if anyone doesn't like it then TOO BAD!!

See, attitude adjustment on the fly!!

Hugs

Simmer Down Now...

2011-07-25T15:46:00.001-04:00

Finally.. I am starting to see some downward movement in Thelma and Louise.

And we are starting to get used to one another.
I can finally lay on my stomach without feeling like I have two canteloupes between me and the bed (this means they are softning up a bit.. with still more to go).

And I am happy to say I am truly on the verge of 159- 158... it waffles.. the weekend seems to make things spike.. hmmm I wonder if mojitos have anything to do with that..
Weekends now fly by... I am finding myself not attached to my BB or feeling obligated to read that report from work and comment on it ASAP.. as strange as it may sound for this Type A person, this is a very nice change of pace.

I am so impressed by the Cozy Coconuts morning runs as well as Dinnerlands commitments to run that I am now considering hiring a personal trainer. I used to have one (and a cutie) that whipped my ass into shape.
I mean like really really hard..and I had tight thighs, stomach and well you get the idea.

Despite having the home gym< I really need the strength training portion of the program, I think once I get inot a rhythm I can pick up the cardio part on my own..

I would really like to see the scale go down another 20 lbs.
I already have my eye on a Tummy T.. and am thinking about my arms..
So thats about the excitement in my life (well not all of it... but I will save that for another post (wink))

Barbara

Just random thoughts that occur at 2 am..

2011-07-21T10:30:00.000-04:00

Freakin scale is bouncing around on me..
I want to blame it on the boob weight..

Its not that.

I bought a bag of Bliss chocolates and have been popping them in my mouth and just letting them melt.

I still have some intense periods of anxiety..off and on..

I was on a business call from 9 pm to 1am this morning with our office in Shanghai.

After the call I was freakin wired.. I could NOT fall to sleep

So what do I do.. I went downstairs and made a bowl of SpecialK with strawberries.. trying to use my disciplined food choice skills.
That went down just fine.

Then I wanted CHOCOLATE.
WTF
It was 2 am and I am sitting in bed with two yorkies and 7 pieces of chocolate.

The scale screwed me over this morning and now I am upset with myself.

I think someone asked this question on their blog.. do we EVER EVER EVER let go of stress eating?
I try so freakin hard to discipline myself to NOT FU.. but it still happens.

So around 3 am, I decide I am not going to fall asleep and need some help.. take meds, and off to la la land I go ONLY to wake up at 9 am!!..

HELLO.. I should be in the office by 8 am..

What is up with me!!

I just have so much going through my mind these days..
Alot of self evaluation
What do I really want in life ,
Where do I want to go
Do I want to stay here or relocate
Do I want to continue to throw myself into my job or just simplify life
You know that whole reflection on life thing..

The question I have is why do these thoughts converge at 3 am!!!

I am finding myself just wanting to enjoy life, to have fun, to not be so ruled by the corporate world. The 10 -15 hour days are getting old.. I really don't want to do this forever..

You always hear about people who enter their 50's and wanting to do a major shift in their life, I never really understood that.. but now I do.

Kids are gone, husband is gone..its me and two yorkies
So now I need to figure this out.

I need to sort and organize these random thoughts.. I am definitely at a turning point.. Its exciting and scary at the same time..

Have a great day..

WHisper... Whisper.. whisper...

2011-07-20T18:30:00.001-04:00

Thank you so very much for all of your comments and words of support on my previous post. I have to tell you I took several Xanax before I wrote that.. it wasn't easy, but I wanted to let you know.. and yes, I am in a good place right now..I will always love Mark.. there is no question about that.. In fact the gravestone was just put in place, it is very beautiful.. I already have my name engraved.. his love for me is my true love.

I want so badly to flank the stone with flowers, but its so hot,I know the flowers would not survive without constant watering.. so perhaps this weekend... but again my thanks for your words of support.. hugs

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So on to the post...

Did she?

Ya think?

You ask..

I am not asking..

Whisper, whisper whisper

Tuesday was my first day back to work, and today was the first day I actually stepped out of my office cloaked like a nun, but it didn't matter.. everyone in the office was trying to figure out what was different about me.

Please Note: I did not wear this to work.. but I wanted to give you a fresh impression just how noticeable Thelma and Louise are.. Even with a nun's habit on.. they still stick out.. and remember I need to go bra less..

I am not complaining, I am just saying that if I was ever flashed on America's Most Wanted, its gonna be hard to camouflage these babies.

As you can see my face has just a slight bit of evidence of bruise and my neck is as tight as .. well, lets just say its firm and tight..

So I have not outed myself.. but I think the girls speak for themselves.. and boy am I ever enjoying them..

Hugs

Understanding Where I have Been and Where I am going

2011-07-18T13:01:00.007-04:00

It's Monday..
Not my favorite day of the week, but its still Monday.

I actually did not go to work today... yeah I can tell you that I had plantation shutters installed in my family room, and yeah I called a plumber to fix a leak that resulted in my water bill going up 4X normal cause I could not motivate myself to do so sooner... but none of that has a bearing on my current sense of self.

So true confessions are about to be revealed....

It's been almost 6 months since Mark has died.
There is not a day that I do not miss him.
Thankfully the magic of medication pulled me out of a tail spin around month two.
Months three and four, I gained a sense of self again, and tried to figure out the difference between coping and surviving and then I moved from surviving to living.

This is not a sad email so do not feel compassion or feel sorrow for me.. it is a confession.
A confession to all (you, my daughters, just whom ever is reading)....

I was totally lost without Mark.. I spent five intense years of worry, fear, knowing that the inevitable was going to happen.. caring deeply for him to find a way for him to live.. but his cancer was incurable.. and he was the most incredible man I will ever know. He was a better father, than I was a mother,he had unconditional love.. he would and did anything for me and for our daughters

And that is all gone now.. no more.. gone.. forever...
I knew that he was going to die, but I never ever ever accepted that it would happen.
No matter how many doctors nudged me to the fact that was the fate, I refused to listen, accept.. I selfishly wanted him to live and to be with me.. god damn it that is how its supposed to be.
His body pushed and pushed to stay alive.. the cancer won.

So, here I am.. lost (but not weak)... alone.
I am a strong woman professionally, personally.. not so much.

I think I am kind and caring.. I have my faults
And perhaps my desire to be with someone again has hurt those that I love the most.
I am human.

I am not looking to replace Mark
I am looking to move foreward.

And so that is where the confession starts.. I have dated (several guys) and quite frankly, I have found one that I really do relate with... he is so different from anyone that I have known before and he makes me smile and laugh..

He is incredibly respectful of Mark and understanding of my personal situation.
He makes me smile, and laugh, and dries my tears and tells me that it is time to focus on Barbara.

He is a shoulder to lean on... a person to talk to, a hug, a kiss, a person to make me smile...

So judge me if you wish.. but I am no longer keeping this under wraps.

I am truly enjoying life.. My heart is still and will forever be filled with love for Mark.. I am allowing a little space to open up in my heart, to allow someone new to enter
I will always honor my husband and cherish the love we shared
I am also allowing myself to move forward and to live again.

So there, now you know.. and I feel good sharing this with you and with the two people whom I have always loved more than life itself..

Barbara

Thelma and Louise on a Stroll

2011-07-17T10:34:00.000-04:00

OK, so its freakin hot here.
In the 90's with humidity equals hell.

Today concludes my two week "healing vacation" .. I am 90% healed and make up can take care of the remaining 10%.

Last night I went out to meet up with some people, and decided I was going to take Thelma and Louise out for a test drive.. and wore a pretty floral scoop neck blouse with a gentle ruffle across the top.

Um.. it was a size Large and Thelma and Louise were like to squirmy puppies trying to escape. But I decided to wear it anyway..

OK, first no one noticed the ever so light residual bruise on my face..
You know why... because my freakin breasts are prominent.. and I love them now.
I did bring a shrug just to throw over myself to tame the girls.. but good lord.. I have to tell this was the best money I have spent on myself in a long long long time.

Today I am taking them to a baseball game .. I am liking all of the outings I have planned.

It really is amazing how something so slight can change how you feel and put a little jump start back into life.

Be well my friends... BOOBS UP and all.

Massaging my Puppies and Going Braless

2011-07-15T06:55:00.001-04:00

No, this is not a post about pet massages.. but more or less a summary of my doc visit from yesterday.

Thursday made it 2 weeks out from surgery, and I have to say, I am seeing somewhat dramatic improvement each day.. in fact I am sure that by Sunday all signs of bruising will be completely gone.

So during my doc visit, I had a long list of questions, concerns, neurotic things I pointed about about where I was with healing.. the doc smiled and said .. its all normal.. good lord I didn't want to seem like some nut job but I do have more bruising on one breast than the other and there fore it makes one look larger .. but here is the creepy thing he said to me.. the deep bruising is the blood pooling (OK I get that part) and the only way for it to go away is to be reabsorbed by the body or ... get this.. leak out.. WTF!!

Leak out where!!!!.. leak out through the suture openings.. he said sometimes it happens and not to freak.. oh yeah.. I am not going to freak if I have bruised blood oozing out of one of my titties.. Hell yes I am..

The one point he kept emphasizing was the requirement to massage these big girls.. Scar tissue is forming and the one thing he wants me to do is to keep the boobies moving for a few weeks, so I need to massage every hour. and as I have mentioned go bra less for a few months..

Yep, now envision this.. in the house, car, office I just grab Thelma and Louise with both hand and just freaking feel my self up ...Being a doctor, he was obligated to demonstrate EXACTLY how this had to be done... too bad the guy is married I would have brought him home with me and assigned him to the task...

So some scars are evidently most a fading quickly.. thanks to Steph's great creams.. I am taking every opportunity to massage scars as well.

So the other "doctor's orders" request was to go bra less, no more torture with the band over the boobies, now he wants gravity to take action.. Ok, to be honest at first I was freakin at this thought and look, but honestly, once I slip a blouse/shirt on me it;s amazing how great T and L look.. I mean I say to myself HOT DAMN GIRL, you got a nice rack going there.. and the up side is that is makes my waist and ass look like they go with the bod.. so here's a toast to BIG BOOBIES.. love them both!!

Have a great Friday. PS Here are some shots of my new bathing suit.. you can see why I need the tummy tuck but I love the way the top stays up (SMILES)

Use the Good Crystal...

2011-07-13T08:21:00.000-04:00

I had to go to the china cabinet today to get a dish I wanted to use...
And then it hit me...

During all the years of my marriage, we had our lovely Waterford crystal displayed for all to see, but seldom used.

It moved me terribly.. what the F was I saving the crystal for..why did we not use it for us?
Why did we have it if we weren't going to use it, enjoy it.. and now it sits and collects dust, only handled for a holiday dinner, or the biannual cleaning..pffft!

So I grabbed one of the crystal glass, filled it with Hershey's choc syrup and skin milk, took a plain old spoon out and stirred that baby.. without a care how hard or rigorous I stirred against the crystal..till there were a smooth distribution of the chocolate syrup.

And then I toasted my dear late husband... and whispered.. why didn't we use the good crystal more often sweetheart!

Healing Update via a VLOG

2011-07-11T18:57:00.000-04:00

Alright hold on to your hats.. you're about to see the good, the bad and the happiest me!

BLOGGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2011-07-10T10:39:00.000-04:00

I am so irritated, I have tried to leave messages on so many of your blogs.. blogger is f'ing up again.

I hope it resolves itself soon.. will get back to you all.

in the meantime.. happy sunday to all

It's Like Waiting for the New Year Eve Ball to drop...

2011-07-09T12:35:00.000-04:00

OK, I am impatient and antsy and full of anticipation.

So here I am a full 7 days out from surgery, totally braless, but still quite bruised. The markings you see are not scars, they are bruises.. Only my niples and a small line by a little over 2 inches are evident and should fade over time.
A few things to note: I did opt for silicone implants, placed under the muscle.. It does take a bit more healing time but they say the look, feel and movement is just like a real boob. also, for women who are still interested in breast feeding they recommned saline over silicone.. I am not planning on any more nursing events so the choice was easy.
You can also see that the breasts are still quite high and will drop over the next few weeks, filling and fluffing out (as they call it).
Stephs healing creams for bruising and scars are in the forefront.. and seem to be helping with the bruising..

So here I sit, just like on NEW YEARS EVE... waiting for the ball (OR Girls to drop).. so I can burst out and proclaim HAPPY BOOB YEAR!!!

BYOC- Crazy Friday for ALL

2011-07-08T10:58:00.000-04:00

1. If you were asked to symbolize yourself as an animal – which animal would you be?

Hmm.. this is a good question. Excluding this week and the fact that I sort of feel like Elise the Cow, with Olympic Gold winning utters, I would say that I am generally feeling like a playful puppy. Yes, my world is opening up.. and my eyes are opening and I am starting to notice and be noticed. Which is making me a bit more playful, hence the puppy choice..

2. Did you ever play an organized sport – with coaches, rules and scoring? Tell us about it.
Ok, hold on to your hat.. in 1972 to 1975 I played on not one but two women Ice Hockey teams. Ice hockey (you know on skates) was brand new to Philadelphia and I fell in love with the sport and I wanted to play Sooooo bad.. So despite the 3 and 4 am ice time.. I was determined to play and would do anything for the opportunity. So I got my hockey skates, did some research and played with a bunch of other crazy women. Yes we had a coach, yes he was hard on us, but it was well worth the experience, and I still love ice hockey to this day.
3. When did you start shaving your legs?

I think I wanted to shave my legs in 5th grade, but didnt do so until 6th grade.
i remember wearing my first pair of panty hose and seeing those b.londe leg hairs and thinking this look so stupid.. I need to do something.. I bugged my mom, and then she finally gave in.. i remember cutting mylegs and then putting toilet paper on the cuts.. I looked like a mummy that escaped from a bad costume parts

4. When you’re in a crabby – pissy – want to stab everyone you see kind of mood – what do you do to get out of it or do you revel in it?
Well in older days the answer would be to eat myself to numb whatever emotion was smacking me in the head.
Now, I tend to scream or yell.. and to get out of it I do find a nice glass of red wine helps smooth the rough edges

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in blogland and in real life.
Well, I guess I was a bit of a drama queen with my surgery.. cause I am constantly thinking about it and looking at myself in the mirrow.. I am pretty bruised and swollen.. I feel like a fugitive, always getting dressed in some disguise when I go outside.. This all crosses over to my real life.. I am just waiting for these new boobs to settle in...

Hugs and Kisses being sent out to Draz.. her blog keeps it real and keeps smiles on my face.
I also want to send warm hugs to Tessie Rose.. happier days are ahead.. XO

Look Like Hell.. Feel Great and World Falling Apart... Couldn't be Happier

2011-07-07T16:19:00.000-04:00

Today was doc day!!
So in dramatic style I sported a beautiful paisley scarf that I wrapped around my bruised neck about 3 times.
I then donned a pair of wrap around (old fart looking) sunglasses
And then pulled out my smith and hawkin wide brimmed gardening hat.

Oh yes, in my mind I was thinking Jackie O, but the mirror was screaming back " you look like an old lady with a screw loose:.

WTF, I had to get to the doctors and on Time!

So off I went, I put lipstick on and took down the roof on my new car and blared Garth Brooks..

So once at the doctors they rush you in so no one in the waiting room can catch a good look at how god awful you really look, I mean scary rainbow colored bruised looking.. but you know what... I am so glad I made this decision.. honestly I have been sneak peeking at everything. Neck is tight and firm (no sea gullet); eye brows nice and open. eye lids (ok, had the sutures out so I am not going to say they look swell, BUT in a week or two there will be no puffiness, the scars are tucked into the fold of the eyelid when open. The lower lids are swollen and bruise and I cant see much difference.

The Sculptua has rounded out my facial cheeks and alas the boobs..
As plump and round, The scars around the nipple are kind of scrunched.. but the doc tells me these will flatten out as the breasts drop..

And Steph all systems are go with using the bruise and scar cream.. I am slathering UP baby!

Speaking of dropping.. I AM NOW COMMANDED TO GO BRA LESS FOR 6 WEEKS.. the only thing I am to wear is a band around the upper part of my chest. It will take two weeks for them to drop, but 6 full months for full recovery. So I will feel great when they (Thelma and Louise) look great.

Alright, on to other adventures.
Last week AC Unit #1, went on the blink.. repair man called out the day before surgery, fat check written.. on to living life.
Return home from hospital on Monday to find.. NO HOT WATER.. Hot water heater went on the blink.. great.. love walking around sweaty smelly with that hospital disinfectant lingering fragrances.

Hello its Tuesday, its hot as hell outside... Hey lets see if AC Unit# 2 can make us a littler cooler cause its feeling warm inside.. Oh wait.. nothing is coming out what the #()$*#)(*)n now this unit doesn't work.
Call repairman... whats that you say.. you cant come until Thursday.. and that's a maybe... well I will be sitting here sweating my stinky bruised sticky ass off. So a rose by any other name is called a SKUNK!!

and there you have it.. maybe tomorrow I will get some courage to snap partial booby shot.. Did I tell you I really like them!!
hugs

Seance with my BooBs...

2011-07-05T18:56:00.000-04:00

go ahead, say I am nuts..
I can take it.
After all the pain med I have been on.. I know when I am and am not imagining things..

So last night, I decided to have a Seance and call my boobs down...to have a talk.

For those of you who have been here, you know the boobs kind of hang high until they are motivated to drop into place.

I am impatient.. so I decided I would do this through a seance.

I light the lavendar candle and turned off all of the lights.

After a sip of Smirnoffs twisted lemon, I began the call ..

I sense there are two D's in the room... answer if you hear me.

No answer..

Let it be known that the two D's sometimes go by the names Thelma and Louise..

Ah... something twitched. and so the communication began..

Alright girls.. look.. I know that this is all new to you.. as it is to me, but you just got to start to move south a bit.. I feel like I have two honeydew mellons under my chin... and its not feeling too good.

I have enough to deal with with the eyes, and under my neck, could you two girls PLEASE just cooperate and start to head south...
After all I am doing the friggin snow angel exercises .. I look like some one on the tarmac waving a 737 into the terminal..

You girls have until thursday morning to drop.. cause on Thursday the doc is going to take a look at you and suggest a more aggressive exercise routine.. like some heavy duty massaging.and well.. i would really like for this to be a walk in the park.

You girls are pretty amazing though.. Good Golly Miss Molly.. how weird is it that I stare at myself.. I mean how amazing is that I go to bed as flat as a six panel door and wake up looking like I have some serious boobs going on...

I am excited now.. excited to see how this all turns out..

ah.. the wind blows.. and that is the sign to let go of my dream boobs... and drift off to another wonderland.

Ouch!

2011-07-03T11:10:00.000-04:00

So.. as you can see, its going to be a slow healing process.

The other eye looks the same.

I showered today, that felt good.

I didnt take a picture of my neck, but it looks terrific,

I mean absolutely no flab.. it feels tight (and sore) but I will take it.

The boobs.. well Thelma and Louise are trying to snuggle into place.

I am slowly releasing fluids.. Although I look like hell, I think yesterday was the worst day and it will get better each day..

Thank you for all of your well wishes.. means the world to me.. XXXOOO hugs.

Oh Boy!!

2011-07-02T12:31:00.000-04:00

Before I give the details.. let me give a big shout out and thank you for all of your well wishes and prayers and support.. You guys are the best.

So it's 12:11 pm, and I just got home 30 minutes ago. So what's one of the first things I do... jump on the scale.. and yeah Steph,.. you were right..I shouldnt have done that.. 9 lbs of something or other is in me..

Quite frankly I got zero sleep, a few minutes here and there but thats hospitals

No pic, sorry.. you wouldnt want to see day 1 anyway.. think of Rocky I... ok.. thats all you need to envision.

So here is the run down of what I had done:
eyebrow lift
Upper eyelid lift
Lower eyelid lift
Sculptura
Neck lift
And Boob lift and ENLARGEMENT

I am sore, but not terribly so.. that could be due to all of the morphine that poured into my body over the last 24 hours .. yeah that will take the pain away.

So now I am home, comfy, and ready to just relax and recover/

With out seeing the results, I would do it again in a NY minute I don't remember much..
The staff was wonderful..
I can just tell its going to be aawesome.

So, I am going to head off and try to catch some REAL sleep.

Thanks.. you are the best

MY BIG DAY...

2011-06-30T09:59:00.000-04:00

So, today is the day before my BIG DAY...

I am excited, I am scared, I am thrilled, I am crapping my pants!!!

But I am very confident in my surgeon.

You probably all know that the concept and functionality of hospital operations has left a very very bitter imprint in my mind and heart during my late husbands stay.

So that's where the scared part comes into play... I am staying over night, one or two (TBD)..

I have found this website that has fascinated me Make me Heal
It is loaded with lots of information and not just about plastic surgery, makeup and beauty devices, etc.

So, I am very appreciative of all the well wishes... I probably won't be back on line until Monday or so, and I will give the inside scoop of how things went..

So, be well.. happy weekend... and stay tuned. HUGS!

Buzzing Around..

2011-06-26T09:33:00.002-04:00

Wow.. this week went by incredibly fast.. and so now I am in true countdown mode.
FIVE DAYS TILL SURGERY.. Ok, maybe I am freakin just a little bit.. but no real worries.
The right boob is good to go UP !! Tests came back thumbs up.. (that's a good thing)
I also had to have a dry eye test, and lo and behold.. I have dry eyes.. so drops are in order..

A big hug and SHOUT OUT to Steph J. who sent me her healing creams ((((hugs)))))... If I get half the results you have I will be one happy camper (although I do not camp).. I really appreciate your being so generous..

Also, on the scale front .. GUESS WHO is in the 150's NOW???? ME... I saw it a day or two ago, but wanted to make sure it is for real and yes... I am now 158.. so, that puts me down about 85 lbs from my all time high.. I am seriously looking at the 100 lb club now..
Here is the strange part of my band experience, I am losing weight much better in my second year than my first.. but if I think about it ... it should not come as a surprise because one thing that has seriously changed is my food choices.. No bread, pasta, wheat based anything.. no ice cream, very little junk food, except chocolate (I REFUSE to give that up).

So yay for me!

And some other good news... I bought a NEW CAR.. and I love it..it's a convertible.. and so fun to drive.

So, I have been reading about every one's intense exercise programs.. and I feel like a slug.
Cozy Coconut is running her ass off, Grace is doing kickboxing and Cindy lew is spinning, yoga and weight training.. and I am pretty damn good at thumb wresting and using the remote (very sad)..

And Finally, I want to give a BIG SHOUT OUT to my dear friend and old neighbor Kathy M. Kathy is the sweetest person I know.. she has kept me in her heart for many many many years.. I think since the early 1980's.. I know you are down the shore (that's a Philly thing by the way)..and I may even take a trek down to WW.. and pop into your store!! Big HUGs to KM.

So I will probably post next on Thursday night.. with a bode farewell to flat saggy boobs.. and rolling out the carpet for my perky new girls (Thelma and Louise).
Have a great Sunday everyone ... cheers

Tweleve Days.. Holy...

2011-06-19T11:49:00.000-04:00

Crap..
Surgery is 12 days away. My nerves are getting a bit shaky..
All I keep thinking about is how great Steph looks and I want the same outcome.

Seriously, I dont know if I am more excited about the neck or boobs.
The neck is so visible... so it might have the edge.. but then again, the idea of the boobs is high up on my list..

I still have one more hurdle with my mamo.. they found my old films and there was a prior obs on my mamogram.. so they are just looking at this one boob a bit closer..and they keep telling me not to worry..

Why cant they figure this out!! (God I have used those words before and it was scary to type them).. so another ultrasound this week and thats it!!

The scale has somewhat slowed down .. I now slumber at 163 +- 2 lbs.. no sight of the 150's.. and my guess is that after the surgery and fluids it will bump up.. I keep telling myself that I will not look at the scale, but I will.

A big shout out to Jacquie.. and how great she looks after her surgery.. you go girl..

Alright.. that's about what I wanted to share.. have a great weekend...
Hugs to all

It's ONLY June and Already...

2011-06-13T19:43:00.000-04:00

I am starting to get excited for BOOBS II.
Chicago here I come.

Honestly.. when I think about last year I just
SMILE :)

And somehow, someway..
I wind up telling complete strangers about you guys..

And that we will all be gathering once again in Chicago (again)

People look amazed and dazed.. and say
So you met these complete strangers on the Internet and then decided to meet them in Chicago

Wait, I say..
they are not complete strangers..
they are my BooBs, my virtual friends, my girls

Yes, the BooBs are my girls..

So this completely throws them off..
It always connotate thoughts about breasts.
Yes, yes, I get it.

But at least try to move on to the concept of friendship.

And so I sit here tonight thinking about when the excitement will start up.
What to wear, where to go
when are we arriving

Anticipating that weekend in September.

Love you gals!

What is it About Life....

2011-06-12T09:13:00.001-04:00

.... that makes us want to keep plugging away at it?

I hate to get all philosophical on you so early on a Sunday morning.
But I have to tell you this thought creeps into my head with almost every day that passes.

When you think about it, we are all so unique as individuals. But stick us in a room together, and there really is not much difference.

We all have some level of crap going on in our lives.
We laugh, we stress, we cry, we rejoice, we doubt and second guess ourselves.

I tend to be a drama mama at times, and ask myself why I put myself through so much self criticism.
Because at the end of the day, I wouldn't change a thing in my life (except one thing of course).

But here we are.. plugging away, trying our darnedest to make good choices, be joyful, look on the bright side of things, get angry, get mad, yell, scream, curse and then get happy again.

So, how does this all relate to the band....
No matter if we are fat, thin or just right... the emotions still come at us, and maybe for different reasons, but they are there..

This is my aha moment.
I was (and at some small level until pukedom) am an emotional eater.

I truly can't even begin to imagine what I would weigh now if not for the band.
The first few weeks after my husbands death, I shut down, but a some point I realized I still had to get up in the morning and face the world and the crap storm that follows.

How I would have dealt with that would have been to pacify the emotions with food, and probably lots and lots of ice cream.
I cant even remember the last time I sat down with ice cream, maybe a year ago..but the memory is faint

Now, I let those friggin emotions hit me head on... does it cause me anxiety.. hell yes!!
Does it destroy who I am.. no.

So my aha moment is that life is a bunch of emotions stringed together..
Emotions tied to experiences
And that my friends is what life is all about.. experiences and the lingering memories..

be well

Mystery Boob

2011-06-11T07:58:00.001-04:00

Ugh!! I feel like the drama re: my right boob will not go away!
Short synopsis: Getting a boob job needed to get a mammogram
Report showed something in my right boob.. its unknown and they ~~want~~ demanded that I get my last films.
Ok, now shame on me but my last mammogram was in 1997, and because the place that had the films moved like 10 times in the last 13 years, it was nearly impossible to locate.

I have passed with flying colors on all of my other pre op stuff, except this right boob.UGH

I am sure it is nothing, they just said they need to CYA and make sure its all OK.

So the count down begins T minus 20 days. I am totally out of the office for the first two weeks in July
YIKES..
And as fate would have it, work is bugging the hell out of me wantin me to travel during those first two weeks of July

NO!!!!
I so did not want to tell them why.. but I finally had to tell them I am having surgery and need a recovery period. Other wise, they wouldn't stop hounding me to schedule travel UGH..

So, I am hoping that in that two week period I am somewhat back to normal.. except for the fact I will have two new breasts .. maybe I can tell them I got a lung transplant or something..

So here is the other interesting part about the surgery, the doc said I have to go nearly bra less for six months, this allows the implants to drop properly.

OK, can you all see me in an executive meeting with my new girls (who I will affectionately naming Thelma and Louise) hanging out there!!! NO, I cant .

So I am going to have to get real creative with my wardrobe.. Do you think anyone will notice me wearing 5 layers of clothes during the 90 to 100 degree weather..

These are the things and emotions swirling around in my mind these days.. and I know that this mini drama is making my band tighten up a bit.

I am continuing with my glass of lemon water every day, and I have to say it is a great diuretic.

So thats my wrap up on whats going on in my part of the world

Have a great weekend everyone

B Y O C ********* Crazy Friday!!1

2011-06-10T10:21:00.000-04:00

1. How and why did you first start blogging? And how long have you been blogging?

Wow, I would really have to think about this.. because my first blog followed my husband's journey and battle with cancer so I would have to say October 2007.
Then I started my Band blog .. that was in September 2009.

I really find blogging to be an emotional outlet for myself, but as you have all have shown me it is a place to be showered with love, comforted and realize the wonderful world of blogging allows for you to connect with people on so many different levels.. and I love you guys!
2. Tell me about your perfect mate – if you could invent him/her?

Well, I did have the perfect mate.. but if I had invent a new mate here is what I would put on my wish list.
1.Tall
2. Blonde/Brown hair
3. No hairy back, no facial hair
4. Self sufficient
5. Gentleman and manners in tact
6. Can drive at night
7. Can cook a romantic meal
8. Can sing me a love song or write a love letter
9. Will watch over me, and give me hugs without me asking
10. Misses me when I am not around

3. Do you wear fake eyelashes? Do you want to? Do you use glue or self-stick ones? Do you like how they look?

I don't and have never, but I would love to try it, but it am fearful it would get bunched up and look like a dead fly on my eye lid

4. Let’s say money was no object and neither was time off to recover – are you an advocate of plastic surgery after weight loss?

Ok, you all know that I have outed myself, Three weeks from today, I get my new boobs, neck lift and eye lift.. yes, I am plopping down a fist full of cash to tune up the engine.
If I could have fit in the tummy tuck I would have, but I am up to a six hour surgery as it is and the doc doesnt want to push it any further. I am excited as all get out, and scared sh*tless at the same time.

5. Repeat question. Summarize your week in blog land and in real life.

• Blog life, well now that my frustrations with blogger have been resolved I have been trying to read and comment.. I know once I am home recovering I will probably blogging my little heart out.

• Real life sucks!!.. work is driving me freakin nuts.. the hours are getting longer and longer and its seems my projects keep growing.. AHHH.. CALGON TAKE ME AWAY..
I am getting a bit more social.. and find that to be a bit of a relief.. Its been a crappy year in summary, but I am a survivor.. so message to me.. move forward girl!!

Some things change.. some don't!!

2011-06-06T04:14:00.001-04:00

Ugh. it's 4 am and I have been up for an hour.
Ridiculous!

I will attribute this to anxiety!
I am taking today off to run around like a nut and pack in all of those things that you just cant get done on a weekend and I think I have every hour accounted for today between doc appt, hospital test, lawyer appt, car appt, home repair appt. and then tonight I am off to the Phillie's game. Thank goodness the cable guy isn't coming cause you know that would throw everything into a tail spin.

And of course there is the obligatory stay on top of work email (BB) moments!!

So the craziness stays, but even with my momentary anxiety, there is a big thing that has changed!!
Pre-band, I would have already been downstairs to scout out any thing to calm my nerves (MEANING EATING CRAP).
A big ah ha moment came around 3:30 this morning, as I was stressing, I reached for my bottle of water and took a few calming gulps..
What!!!
No Hershey bar, left over Chinese food, cold french fries!!
Nope.
Water.. and it was a natural reflex not a "lets stop in our tracks and think about this" kind of reaction.

This is a huge behavioral change, that totally did not exist 2 years ago.

And that my friends is a huge NSV!!!

be well.

Weightloss and being content

2011-06-04T11:14:00.000-04:00

First, thank you for all of the tips on getting back to blog comment land.. I can now post!! Yippee.

So last night I was going through my closet, and I have to say, I have flown through the last two sizes (meaning one day I was a size 14 and now I am a solid 12 and 10 in some things). So the 14's look terrible on me.

Wait a minute, read that again..size 14 looks terrible on me..
I can remember last year I would kill to wear a size 14 and now I am bitching that its too big.
And its just not the size that I have become not content with, its looking at my body and wanting to have a better physical shape, or less loose skin or wanting my stomach to look better and interests in grooming and just my general health have sky rocketed.

I am not on the road to obsession about these things but what I have come to recognize is that what I would have been content with or rather settled for last year, is just not where I want to be now.

I really want to be 150 lbs
I really want to wear a size 8/10
I really want my loose skin to go away
I really want to get my nip/tuck
I really want to exercise more
I really want to push my self to be better on so many levels.

So that brings the question, if and when I achieve all of the above.. will I then be content?
I can remember saying when I weighed 240, if I could only weigh 175 I would be so thrilled.
Well, I got to 175 and was happy, but there was just no way in hell I was dropping my bags and staying there.

Anyone else go through this type of crazy thinking??

To My Peeps

2011-06-03T07:37:00.000-04:00

Thanks everyone (again and again) for your virtual support of my upcoming procedure.

BUT WHAT I REALLY WANT YOU TO KNOW IS THAT I HAVE TRIED OVER AND OVER AGAIN TO COMMENT ON YOUR BLOGS AND FOR WHATEVER REASON I STILL CAN'T

Has anyone figured out what to do every time I think I have posted anynomous pops up and forces be to login again and then my comment goes away (UGH!!!)

I am reading your blogs, but have no idea why my comments are not staying put.

If anyone can let me know how to fix this please share!!@

Have a great weekend... it looks like a keeper!!

B

Holy crap

2011-06-02T11:13:00.002-04:00

In 28 days i will be going under the knife
All I can think of is holy crap!

I followed Steph's journey pretty closely.
Mine will be a bit different in that I am having more done and it's going to be a 5 hour surgery.

Now all of this is fine and good but also is dependent on me passing the health screening stuff they made older people go through.
So far. Not so good ... Already have to repeat one test. Next Monday will be the rest of the tests and the final scope of work review with the surgeon to make sure we are on the same page.

I have found the longer I look at myself the more things I want to fix. But I don't want to wind upnlooking like that crazy cat women who has had so much surgery she now looks like a cat.

That is crazy.

So am I nervous. Yes a bit.
I am updating the will just in case.
Making arrangements for my pets
And will be taking two weeks vacation to recover.

So I think it's all going to be ok.
It's just a strange feeling to know that there will be no one to say hello to me when I do come out of recovery. B

The Secret to Dropping a few Pounds Fast

2011-05-30T07:03:00.001-04:00

Ok.. this may not be a secret to you, but it sure had a damn good impact on me.

Yesterday I literally worked my ass off doing yardwork.

I mowed the front yard (yes I have lawn service but the did such a crappy job cause the grass was so long from all the rain).. So I decided to rake all the chopped up brown grass and re-mow the lawn 2X.

Keep in mind, I had the grass catcher bag connect so lifting that thing and emptying it was a workout in itself

Then lugging the wheel barrow up and down a steep hill, burned even more calories

And last but not least, I started to plant flowers in all the pots.
This was a particularly emotional activity, and I could hardly keep back the tears doing so.
Mark, used to make up the most beautiful planters..
But I trudged on...wanting to keep this tradition going.

So today, I am going to tackle some more trimming and yard work.

As I jumped on the scale I was thrilled to see 163 on the scale.
Yeah.. I would LOVE to get to 150 by the end of the summer.

I guess that means a couple more weekends of yard work.

Stay cool, and enjoy of the holiday!!

Remember those who have served us, they are all heros

Barbara

My New Passion

2011-05-29T09:48:00.000-04:00

I have a new Passion (well not new), but I did this last summer and have gone back to it again this season.

What is it..
Lemon Slices in Water.. sounds simple.. but did you know that ...

Lemon slices added to a glass of water adds a dash of flavor and extra refreshment to your drink. This can encourage you to drink more water, but it also has other health benefits.

Toxins
Lemon juices help to remove toxins from your system. That will have a positive impact on your overall health.
Digestion
Lemon can be used to eliminate heartburn and indigestion. Regular use of lemon juice promotes bowel function to eliminate constipation. It is also known to alleviate nausea and hiccups.
Antiseptic
Lemons are naturally antiseptic so regular consumption in water can kill bacteria and prevent illness. It is also said to prevent malaria.
Vitamin C
Lemons are high in vitamin C which will assist in healing wounds and relieving allergies. Is it also helpful for sore throats and asthma.
Urinary Health
Lemon is a natural diuretic which helps to flush bacteria from the kidneys and bladder. This can oftentimes eliminate urinary infections

So if you are up to it.. give it a try.. no calories, refreshing and a few health benefits to boot!!
Sorry for not posting too much, my life has been crazy AND I am still recovering from last weekend.
That Sandy is a party animal!!

hugs

Barbara and Sandy's Great Adventure Day 1 vlog

2011-05-22T01:55:00.000-04:00

GUESS WHO IS COMING TO VISIT????

2011-05-19T18:47:00.000-04:00

Yippee
Sandy Lee (weightloss roller coaster) is coming to visit me.
I am so excited.

I am doing a sunshine dance cause all we have had is RAIN (ALL WEEK)
But I know as soon as Ms. Sunshine arrives.. the birds will be singing and welcoming her!

Cindylew and her Hubs Ed.. will be meeting us in downtown Philly
And Maria (now back in Philly) will be visiting her brother who lives in the same town as me.
*how amazing is that!!!

Maria drop me a line so we are sure to meet, I am going to keep Sandy on a real roller coaster!!!

Ok, full details on the big weekend to follow

HUGS!!!

What's in Your Closet?

2011-05-16T23:27:00.000-04:00

Ok, its spring, meaning summer is just around the corner.
Raise your hand if you are at or near slim pickins for clothes.

When I look at my wardrobe I am still so stuck on the color black.
Honestly, any bright color garment looks like a red-headed step child in my closet.

What is my hangup with COLOR???

And here is the weird part, when I do wear color it makes me feel so good.
Yet when I shop I avoid going after the color.

Any body else get stuck on the color wheel and still wind up buying black??

The Fill

2011-05-14T17:23:00.000-04:00

So I got a fill yesterday, and I went in a bit iffy about the decision:
1. I really only had one day of what I would call "off" eating
2. I knew my fill would be with a new doc, my surgeon left the practice where I had the surgery, so i had no idea what this new one would be like
3. Might I just be approaching that point where "overfill" could be within my limit.

Hence, I was anxious to see how today would work out for me.
and ta da!! it was definitely the right call.
There is something very delicate about the balance for being truly in the "green zone" as they call it and a bit under that point. I can notice the difference..

The doc explained that since my last fill and this fill you also do lose fat around the band, thereby allowing more food to pass through. And I guess that somewhere in that 39 lb loss the band did indeed loosen a bit.
So, my suspicions were right, the fact that I could eat more was because of losing fat around the band.

The other telling point for me was the brain part. Honestly, while walking around Epcot I started to think about what I would eat while I was there. What, why was that happening! When I realized I could eat fish and chips, two beers, gelato and a chunk of salmon for dinner, I knew something was out of whack. I am referring to not only the desire to eat more, but my brain thinking about "hmm wouldn't a gelato from Italy taste great right about now?"...

So today's test was eat to the point of push. Meaning, yeah with my prior fill I knew exactly how much I could eat without that PB feeling, but I just wanted to see volume wise if I could push that limit.
Outcome: could not get past one Zone bar.. that was it.. and that damn zone bar has stayed with me for over 5 hours. I am drinking tea and water (cause I have this stupid cold) but no hunger, no head hunger, no wandering thoughts about chocolate or any other thing..

Lesson learned, go with you instincts, if you feel you need a boost to get to the zone go.
If you have hunger or find yourself thinking about food,. go talk to the doctor.

I love this band.. it has become a real life changer for me.
And I just said HELLO to my first size 10.. yeah.. 18 months ago is was 22/24 and now Size freakin 10.

Hugs to all
Barbara

Back to Life

2011-05-13T13:42:00.000-04:00

Hello My Dear Friends...

soo hmm, where do I begin.
I just got back from Florida, a glorious but freakin hot 6 days.
I was (and still am) sick as a dog with some kind of respiratory thingy..but am getting over it
I consumed more alcohol then I would like to admit.
I lost 3 pounds
And today I went for a fill after having a mini panic attack at Epcot that I could eat and drink as much as I did within a 24 hour period.

Net/net.
Since Dec.7th (my last fill and visit) I have dropped 39 pounds.
Yes that's 5 months since my last fill, and they were a bit shocked by the loss
But they (and this is a new doctor, since the one I l really really liked) left still gave me a .25cc fill
That puts me at 9.75 in an 11 cc band.
'
When I got home I tested it out and could still eat a full cup of dannon yogurt with granola, so who knows it this will make a difference or not.
It can't hurt!

So my other BIG news is that Sandy (The Weight Loss Roller Coaster) is coming to visit me next weekend (Yeah).. and we are planning to connect up with Cindlew Who (my boob roomie) and her hubs. So I am definitely psyched about that.

In just a little over 2 weeks I have all of my preop crap to do before my BOOB job, so I cant wait for that part to be over, the good thing is that it is forcing me to get a mammogram which I am about 3 years behind.

And then girls, its time to start thinking about what are we going to wear to the great BOOB Affair in Chicago. I will probably have that black dress I wore last year up for dibs if anyone is interested..
I can check the size again.

Speaking of clothes, I really am down to nothing.. I have resorted to having about two pair of black pants, a few skirts, and a bunch of tops to interchange..

My arms are just terrible and have motivated me to start to think about working out with weights. HA did you read what I just wrote, "MOTIVATED ME TO THINK ABOUT".. no you dummy it should say MOTIVATED TO START TO ACTUALLY DO, not think"

I have come to realize I am very good at motivating to think.. I am such a good thinker.. now I just need to do.

So if you have followed along up to this point, thank you.. It has just been one of those blah blah blah posts.
Hugs and kisses to ALL'
Barbara

WHAT MAKES US NEED CHOCOLATE

2011-05-02T19:02:00.000-04:00

Freakin Chocolate.

For almost all of my life, I have used chocolate to patch or soothe some void, over stimulation, or just because!

I think I have eaten about 20 of those Hershey Bliss square things today.
OMG, they just melt in your mouth, make my heart race and bring me to the edge ... of well BLISS!!!

How the heck can something like Chocolate have this effect on me??

BLISS.. that is the safest thing (censored) that I can write right now.

No other food does this to me.

Crap,.....I think I do need therapy!

School Girl Giddy

2011-04-30T16:46:00.000-04:00

So, I am learning about the balance of life.

My mind is in a good place.. I am hangin in the low 70's ..Not exactly where I want to be forever, but eh I am not worrying about it.

I am most excited about getting my new boobs.
I find myself looking in the mirror and yanking the old girls up .. as if to stick them on an elevator and yell "going UP".

Yes, I am not going to be shy about this.. I am going D... I have forever in my life been a B student, and this girl is going all out.. I want some decent boobs.

And then there is the face.. the doc is going to do an eye brow lift.. it is a very interesting procedure.
There is a blue clip that is made out of sugar, that they insert above the brow, it gives a gentle lift to the brow, and as scar tissue develops around the clip it dissolves re adhering the brow line.. quite cutting edge .. the before and after pics are amazing.

Don't ask me why I am enamored about this whole PS concept. Its not a self confident thing, because I am very secure in my identity.. maybe its just the concept of aging who knows..

I have not gone to any therapy.. but just feel like I want to do something to reinvent myself.
It is partly the need to set a different path for myself.

I often think about just picking up and moving to another place, starting a whole new life.
And then i reflect and think about how wonderful my life was and can still be..

Allot to think about.. and at times it gets me excited that there will be opportunities for me.
To reflect and renew.. and cherish..

Sorry if this is getting sappy, but so much to process ... still trying to figure out why I am a survivor..
and a true survivor perseveres ... and that's my plan.

MOJO

2011-04-28T20:10:00.001-04:00

can someone explain this concept to me.

What is it.
How do you know you have it or not.

that's all..

thanks

PS Consult

2011-04-25T20:26:00.000-04:00

Gather round my friends,
Today was the day I went for my PS consult.
The guy does dynamic work.. he started out as a reconstructive surgeon and now has an incredible practice.

So today was my day.. to go in and get an assessment of what was and was not possible to achieve.

My youngest daughter went along for moral support.
The first stop was with the coordinator, she spent about 1.5 hours with me.
First we talked about the boobs.
And she pulled out the arsenal of boobie implants
I mean from a C cup to I don't know a G cup, think of a dinner plate.
My eyes just about popped out looking at those babies or rather boobies.
Then we were on to going through the two volumes of before and after pictures.
I mean lots. different shapes, sizes, colors..
She zeroed in on women who had my body shape and who went conservative and those that went va va vavooom.
Next decision - Saline or silicone.
With one touch I knew I wanted Silicone, it felt like a real boob.
So after the preliminary info about the procedure and risks, it was time to meet the doctor.
He comes into the little meeting room, and asks what I am interested in having done.

So you all know, my number one freak out is my neck.. I have these crappy vertical lines.
You know after you live with that double chin for so long the skin just does not snap back.
He took a good look (and feel) and said that it was the skin hanging and the only way to get rid of that was with a neck lift (which I already figured)..
After that I started to point to my eyes, and asked for some critical evaluation and we discussed options.
So I have some things to consider there.
I then asked about the tummy tuck.. and he said there was a limit to how much he would do at once.

Next it was boobie talk, and he said well we are going to have to take a look.
I asked my daughter to tag along just in case he tried to take advantage of me..
hey saggy boobies turn some guys on..
So the coordinator takes me into the exam room and tells me to strip down to my panties and put on a cover.
In walks the doc and he says open the gown.
I slowly pulled it back and he stares at my t*ts.
God, I wonder if they are the worse he has seen, cause he kept looking.
He then reaches out and grabs my left one, and then the right one, and keeps his hands on them for about ~~one hour~~ 20 seconds.
He then looks at my FUPA, and says that the only thing that could address it would be a tummy tuck.
Yeah thanks doc, I don't have enough scars, whats one more big ropey one.

He then went back and ~~grabbed~~ examined my boobs again and brought out his measuring stick.
You know those implants need to be sized to your rib cage.
He asked me what size I wanted to be and I blurted.. I WANT TO BE A D CUP.
Like I was proclaiming "Give me Liberty or Give me Death" Just give me a damn D CUP.

He agreed that would go with my ~~big ass~~ body frame.

So then it was back to the meeting room and more discussion about what I wanted to go with.
The coordinator pulled a bunch of stuff together for me, reviewed it and said bring my questions back.

So here is the run down, My pre-op is June 6th and My surgery date is July1st (I will have to stay over night)
He figures with all I want to get down it will take 4.5 to 5 hours..

I better come out looking like Marilyn Monroe!!!

Anyway, I told you all I was going to do something life changing.. and there you have it.
I will bring my new Boobies to the BOOBS meeting for all to see..

Good Lord, where do I begin

2011-04-22T10:14:00.000-04:00

OK..
Just got back from a week long trip to Boston.
Last weekend I was so freaking stressed out I wanted to scream (taxes due, my exec VP calling me wanting to go over my presentation over and over, trying to pack, trying to get everything else in life squeezed into 48 hours).
Short story, week was incredibly long, my presentation to the CEO went well, and well.. here is the rest of the story.

So, you all know my history (got the band, lost weight, lost my husband, delayed any business travel till now).

So this meeting was a gathering of 10 VP's (all levels), CFO CIO CEO. EIEIO.. blah blah blah.. all who have not seen me since my banding (65 or so pounds ago)..

So here was my read on Greetings and reactions:

So good to see you
So sorry to hear about your loss
Gee you look great
HOLY Sh*t you lost allot of weight, how the hell did you do that

Yeah, the last one was more the sense of the reaction I got.
It just makes you stop and think.. how freaking bad I must have looked before.

Here is my other read, all VP's are incredible shape at my company.
I mean fit! and they incorporate exercise, diet discipline etc. into their daily way of life.

The only break food available was Chobi yogurt, trail mix, fruit..
Lunch was a lean diet, salad, grilled chicken, grilled veggies.
No real desserts.. and here was the killer for me NO CHOCOLATE.

When I have my face to face Director meetings, I always placed a big bowl of chocolate (bliss, Ghiradeli or some small but killer chocolate to calm the crowd.

Not so in this high powered meetings.. healthy everything, very little coffee consumption and almost everyone drank water non stop.
But when the evening came around... the wine was non stop.. yes I work with a bunch of wine snobs.

Alright, the second little piece of news, is that Monday I go for my PS consult.
Originally I wanted my neck and boobs done.
Then I started to draw a diagram of my body and identified areas of improvement.
Well by the time I got done it looked like a damn road map of the NYC roadways.

Ugh..so I will definitely give an update on that discussion next week.
In the meantime I definitely need to catch up on blogs (so far behind).

Big HUGS to everyone.. I have missed you all.

Barbara

RETAIL THERAPY..

2011-04-14T20:08:00.000-04:00

Shhhh! Don't tell anyone, but I snuck out of work today and went SHOPPING!!!!

I put in a 14 hour day yesterday and today I just about had my fill with work..
Screw it. they never put on your tomb stone ... AND SHE WORKED SO HARD AT HER JOB...

Not this chicka...

So here is my deal of the day And I am happy to say its a size 12.. ok, I remember when those numbers where in reverse so that is truly a NSV!!!

And I never did show the completed picture of my closet that my husband did last year..

It's a bit messy but in the morning I am like a mini tornado trying stuff on.. I really need to go through the closet and clean stuff out.. I am truly in size 12 slacks now so I have allot of legacy stuff that needs to GO!!

Secrets

2011-04-12T18:10:00.000-04:00

A couple of years ago, my daughters bought these books about secrets.

I don't know why, but the concept of publishing a book of anonymous deep down dark secrets seems to intrigue me.

Some were funny, some sad, some made you say awe.

There is THIS website that has a collection.

The first one made me kind of laugh, and then I said hmmm.

Not a bad idea.

I tried to search my soul for any secrets that were worthy of an anonymous publication.
I couldn't come up with one.
So I am going to scour my memories and see if there are any thoughts or secrets that I may deem anonymous post worthy..

Am I alone.. or does this stuff intrigue you too!!

High Five ME!!

2011-04-11T18:46:00.003-04:00

Yes, I am High Fiving ME!!

Why, cause I finally got my butt on the treadmill.

Truly the first time since January.

Go Figure!

Look at those thighs!.. I really got to start to do something.

I really do not have a defined waist, I am kind of up and down, like the letter H, except when you get to those thighs.

So, my personal challenges is to tone up.. Here are some pictorial instructions of different exercises.

I have no idea what she is doing with that ball between her legs, I guess squeezing the hell out of it.

Thigh Blaster Excercise Routine

Anyway, I am adding a few of these to my routine.

So consider this my BEFORE picture before I blast my thighs.

Click below.. youtube video

YOU WILL PEE YOUR PANTS FUNNY

Be well

Eating for One

2011-04-10T09:35:00.001-04:00

I read the many posts on the Dr.Oz show with great interest.
Particularly what everyone eats in a typical day.
It made me reflect on my own eating habits, and the fact that I
am now "eating for one".

The eating for one concept does have some advantages
(Remember I need to always seek for the silver lining in life now a days)

So back to the advantages:
Well for one, I get to eat what I want, when I want.
No comprehensive meal planning.
Grocery shopping is a snap
And I am a cheap eat (grocery bill now equals a tank of gas) go figure that one out.

I think that what I like the best witheating for one, is that there is no regiment.
If I want a bowl of cereal for dinner, so be it.
If I want to have dinner at lunch, go for it.
If I want to skip a meal and just have a protein shake or smoothie, who will know.

The Keurig has been a dream for me.
No need to make a pot of coffee, if its just for one.
Kcup to the rescue.

Hmm, why did I just think of a bra size as K Cup.
Could it be I have boobies on the brain.

Yes, I do.. and I find I get a bit of heart palpitation with the thought.
I hope I am not the oldest patient the surgeon has done a boob job on.

I digress, Alright back to eating.
Gen wrote a great post reflecting on the Wizard of Oz and the fact that she is now in control of her emotional eating.. I just need to echo that sentiment. It's true.
It would be nothing for me to polish off a whole container of Ben and Jerry's (I actually did this once before I had true restriction).. That could or would not happen now. Why, cause my capacity is really limited.
I have been blessed in that I no longer PB, but I think that is because I had my "breakthrough" with learning how to eat with the band once you are near your green zone.
I truly think this is part of the learning curve. The main cause of my PB'ing was eating too fast. Those rules of chewing are there for a reason.

So, I am now into the low 170's, and actually could not be more thrilled (Dec. 1st, I was 207 and Draz and I were going into our get our butts into gear semi-liquid diet mode).. Besides life happening, I did have my last fill on Dec.3 (have not had one since)
I know that I am truly in my green zone now.. and to realize that I am down 34 pounds since December is pretty amazing to me. Everything has balanced out for me with eating, restriction, following the rules.

The band was a great decision, and I just wish that voice was more broadly heard on the Dr. Oz show.

Be well.

OMG>>> OMG

2011-04-09T10:02:00.000-04:00

I told you I was going to do something crazy.

I have an appt on Monday 25 APR with a plastic surgeon.

Neck lift and BOOBIES.. yes the girls are going to get a lift and inflation..
I get gitty thinking I will have them up where they belong..
and
maybe I will toss in some laser work

Maybe a chat about round two, the tummy tuck.. but I still think I have some lbs to knock off..
we will see

What am I nuts..

YEP.. I am going for it..
Well, at least for the consult.

Stay tuned..

The Pantie Drawer

2011-04-05T17:26:00.001-04:00

It's been a while since I have gone through my knicker drawer..
So this morning I decided to venture a look in there,
as I can barely get the drawer closed.

I mean I must have at least 50 pair of panties.
Now for some reason, I get attached to them.
And for some reason I have separation anxiety to let them go.

BUT GO
some of them must...

As I navigated past the granny pantie category, I started to sort them by color
and thought no, this is not efficient, I need to sort by size.

Well, who would have thunk that a vassarette size 7 was equivalent to a Bali size 8.
It started to make me crazy.

I know manufacturers play this game with garments,
But COME ON
with Panties TOO.

I mean pulling on a size 8 pantie and finding it to be too tight,
just when you think you had a good weight loss week
is truly enough to make you pee in your pants just so you can
put on a roomy size 7 for vanity's sake.

Ah.. and then there where the Fruit of the Loom panties
or should I say the white thing with three openings.
OK, I think they were 10's
Holy macaroni!
What was I thinking and when did I buy them!!
They looked like a jig sail.

So I really didn't know what size underwear I was.
Hmm.. they must go by some standardized hip measurement,
but from my little test this morning that doesn't appear to be so.

That or the damn things shrunk in the wash!

Could it be that I really am a size 8 pantie and not a size 7.

Well, I was determined to get an official read on this issue.

My first resource stop was none other than Frederick's of Hollywood, but that didn't help their sizes where based on XS, S, M, L and XL

So I seemed to find something a bit more official..
And decided to take out the tape measure and measure just like in the photo, never really sure where my official hip location is..
and VOILA
According to:
My Camila pantie size chart

I should indeed be a Size 7 (at least on their scale).

whew...
Now I need to go through that drawer again!!!

Holy Shish-kabob!!

2011-04-03T08:09:00.001-04:00

I woke up this morning totally dehydrated.
Not to due to alcohol consumption, or illness
Just me NOT drinking enough water.

And so, like so many things of late
I forgot about the importance of water intake
Not only for weightloss but for being KIND to your body.
So.. I went at it with a few dabbles at the keyboard to remind me of the role water plays in our body and here is what I found...

WE NEED TO DRINK WATER!!

I mean just look at this guy and you will see how important it is to keep your self hydrated.

Even mild dehydration will cause you to feel the following:

chronic pains in joints and muscles,
lower back pain, headaches and constipation.
A strong odor to your urine, along with a yellow or amber color, indicates that you may not be getting enough water.
Thirst is an obvious sign of dehydration, and in fact, you need water long before you feel thirsty.

SO .... How Much Water do You Need to Drink?

A good estimate is to take your body weight in pounds and divide that number in half. That gives you the number of ounces of water per day that you need to drink. For example, if you weigh 160 pounds, you should drink at least 80 ounces of water per day.

If you exercise, you should drink another eight ounce glass of water for every 20 minutes you are active. If you drink alcohol, you should drink at least an equal amount of water.
So.. this is my goal for today.. to get more water in and hopefully plump up some of my wrinkles as well.

Be well my friends..

At a loss for words.. but here are a few

2011-04-02T13:30:00.000-04:00

So .. I arrived home from my B-trip at 1:30 am Friday.
I stayed at a very phoo phoo spa and golf resort
I have stayed at alot of nice places, this place was over the top.

I met up with people who I have not seen in a year.
And of course my life has changed over the year on so many different levels.
1. my appearance
2. my job responsibilities have expanded greatly
3. I am now .. well I am now alone.

The resort was packed with different meetings and events.
I have to say, it felt good to get out ..

The group was making evening plans and coaxed me to join them.
There were about 15 or so with the group that I went out with; all business associates, most had their spouses along for the trip.
The first night we spent the evening at the resort "sports" bar.
It was packed with probably close to 150 or so of the opposite sex.

Ugh. talk about uncomfortable ...
Let's face it girls, I am 54.
And what was even more uncomfortable was some of the attention I got.
I mean men just walking up to me.

Could it be that dropping the weight has made me even the least bit attractive to the opposite sex.

And can I tell you how absolute guilty I felt having those conversations, allowing myself to laugh and have a good time.

Guility because its only been 9 weeks.. and there I am laughing, having a drink, letting go and forgetting about where I am in life for just those few hours or so.

It must be my catholic roots or something..
I did nothing wrong, obscene or like-wise
Just so F'ing guilty for even having the conversation exchange...
So much so, I didn't even leave my room the next night.

How messed up is that..

The Adventures of Me

2011-03-24T20:51:00.001-04:00

Well.. it looks like my appetite is definitely coming back.
I recently adjusted some meds, and oh boy.. all of a sudden food interests me.
that's good and bad.
I am having a love affair with M&M's (with nuts).
I guess they are the only nuts I will be getting..

I go to the dentist tomorrow for a crown prep.
Ok come on .. I know you are all jealous of that.

I have some travel coming up too, Texas, Boston and Florida
(so that should take up some space in my mind)

But.. I have some really exciting news,
I will soon (May) have some BooBs visiting me!!!
Sandy will be coming for a visit and Cindylew will be joining us.
It should be a goodtime..
Seriously, if other area Boobs want to come on over.. just let me know!!!

I am trying to stay busy, grounded and sane all at the same time.
Thank you to everyone who has been so supportive, loving and kind to me.
I tell my family and colleagues about all of you.. people just cant believe that
we have made this connection and that it is for real.

But it is.. and you are all the best..
Thank you for all of your kindness and for letting me .. be me..

Oh Elizabeth..

2011-03-23T19:41:00.000-04:00

Oh Liz..
So many movies, so many men..but truly a legend in your time..

Sleep gently movie star!

What Does a Mid-life Crisis Look Like

2011-03-22T21:42:00.000-04:00

Advance Notice: This post is not intended to be a downer post.. just a collection of thoughts running through my head these days..

I have read about men who go through mid life crisis and go out and buy a sports car or do something crazy to try to hold onto their youth..are those actions considered a mid life crisis?

Question of the day: What does a mid life crisis look like for a woman?

Yeah, yeah.. I know .. my life is in a tizzy. blah blah blah

But I am thinking a bit deeper than that stuff.
I mean do you all who are in the over 40 club start to think about taking your life in a different direction or to do something crazy.

I know being married and having children will keep you grounded and focused,
but what if you no longer have those obligations..
What holds you back from changing your life .. turning things upside down..

I have been having these thoughts over that last few days...
Perhaps Crazy thoughts..
I don't know..

I often think about whether as individuals, we are obligated to leave a legacy.
How do we want to be remembered
Do we care
Does it really matter..

Why are we making ourselves crazy trying to get to a certain size or weight.

Do I have to try harder now to be attractive.
Do I care if I am or am not attractive?

Does it even matter...

I really don't know anymore..
We seem to be such a focused group of people, so goal oriented.
I am wondering if I even fit in anymore..

A lot of soul searching..
Maybe its time to find the new me.
I have spent the last few years trying to be so many things to so many people, places and projects.
Perhaps its time to just shake things up.

Don't know... its hard to figure this out because I have not come across anyone who has had a similar mind share on this subject..

Just hanging out here.. on the branch.. taking it all in..

Peace and love to all
Be well

RSVP.. regrets

2011-03-17T10:53:00.000-04:00

All,

Just a quick note..
I am wishing those of you planning to attend the NYC brunch an absolutely marvelous get together.
Kristin (the sweetie that she is, continues to amaze me) and she is an absolute star in my book.

I have passed on my regrets.. but will love to read the updates on your blog.

I hope you all understand.. I am just not ready..
It has been seven weeks since I lost Mark.
And I continue to face each day with such uncertainty.

Emotionaly.. I am crap
Logically... I need to function.

This is life ... and somewhere I need to find my place..
No worries, I just need to adapt..

hugs XO

Disasters Suck....

2011-03-12T14:53:00.000-05:00

I don't know about you..
but when world disasters happen..
I get totally freaked out.
Why?
Because I feel its only a matter of time before one of this things happen in my back yard.

First, I am located right smack dab in between two target cities (NY and DC).. so if some nut job decides on another terror attack.. I figured I could be screwed I try not to think about it.. but I do.

911 was traumatic..my husbands office was a stone's throw away when that disaster happened.
I was in Boston that day, and my eldest daughter was away at college in the same area where the plane went down in central PA. That day we could not communicate to save our own lives.. cell phones were jammed.
It took me a long time to process that event.. there is a Garden of Reflection memorial near our town in rememberance of the 911 vicitms from our area (alot of NYC commuters live here).

So now we see this horrific Tsunami, the news channels are all abuzz about the fact that we should have a "Go BAG" ready in case of any kind of disaster. Ok here is the actual link that tells you...

what should be in your GO BAG

Ya know .. that's not what's gonna be in my GO BAG.

So I made my own list.

1. picture of my husband and kids
2. deodorant (sorry I am vain)
3. flashlight (yeah I get the creeps in the dark)
4. chocolate.. damn if I am going to die I am shoving as much as possible in my mouth
5. Nice pair of earrings.. I don't know.. wearing nice earrings always makes me feel good.
6. hand cream.. probably will do nothing for survival.. but stress always affects my hands
7. a change of under wear.. sorry I will probably have messed the ones I am running in and I am not hanging my cheeks in dirty panties.
8. a bottle of vodka (if it is really the end of the world) I don't want to feel it.
9. dental floss (yes vain again)
10. matches.. I don't know, some where I read you should have matches..

So that's it.. can you think of anything I might have missed.. I mean really missed..

Guilt Free ME!!!!

2011-03-09T19:43:00.000-05:00

Ok.. I forgot to tell you when I went to the doc yesterday I weight in at 174 fully clothed with my boots on.
Damn my scale at home is off..

AND.. what a difference a little pill can make. Think of the song Xanadu
Honestly.. I got SLEEP last night and woke up feeling like I actually belonged on the earth.
I think I slept close to 7 hours.. which I don;t think I have experienced since early December..

Today I bought myself a new eyeliner from STILA
Have any of you tried this.
It;s smudge proof and water proof.

With all of my water works going on.. my eye makeup would be OFF before I knew it.

this stuff Stays on!!

I also got this great little under makeup primer called TOO FACED.
its really nice, I have used smash box primer but really like this. If you have pore issues you might want to check this product out.

And I also bought a new mascara with a double wand two complete different shapes called Two-Timer.
Love it.. I actually bought it in black (which I always wore brownish black) but all black really made my eye pop.
Not pop out, but just pop

Now don't ask me why the hell I am buying makeup.. its not like I am going anywhere..
But you know .. sometimes a girl has just got to change things up.
And that's where I am right now.

Wink.. be well

Post #2

2011-03-08T21:17:00.000-05:00

OK.. guys.. you warm my heart.
AND my no. 2 daughter gave me the thumbs up for boobs..

So... After I wrote my post.. I picked up the phone and called the doctor.
Now this doctor was Mark's general (internal med guy).. and when he heard that I was calling he said come right over..
he didn't really have office hours today but he said he could see me.
That restored my hope in the medical community to be honest.
He spent 1.5 hours with me.. and he gave me some scripts to make it a bit easier on myself.
Basically he said I was pretty chronically sleep deprived, only getting 2 or 3 hours a night..
And he wants to do the whole blood work up thing.. (oh God).
I told him ... Look .. you know I am a DNR.. he said yeah . you and my 80 year old mother.

Afterwards.. I went and got some hair removal done and then shot over town to get my hair done.

OK.. can I just say.. I walked into the salon with dry eyes and left sobbing like a baby.

They did my whole service free.. color, cut, highlights.. unbelievable. I tried to pay. and they said NO!

So here are the shots.. now keep in mind ,.. i have already run my hands through my hair like 20 times.
And I am wearing my husbands green jacket.. it makes me imagine him wrapping his arms around me.. it provides me comfort so I wear it around the house alot, sometimes I sleep in it.. depends where my head it. I just used my computer camera so.. sorry for the crappy quality..
I kind of wanted you to see the color in this shot..

And the highlight and cut in this one

Anyway.. there is only so much you can do with short hair.. but I really love the color.

So my sweeties.. I am going to see if I can actually get some real sleep tonight.
Thanks for being so incredibly supportive

AND DRAZ>> your on chicka!! maybe we can work a deal.. I found a great boobie surgeon..

FAT TUESDAY... hmmm What say you?

2011-03-08T11:09:00.000-05:00

Ok,
I totally understand what Fat Tuesday is all about,
and I really do think the day provides for alot of fun
So, this post is not about Mardis Gras.. (disclaimer here)

But
Whenever I hear the word FAT anything, it invokes a spike in my adrenaline.
i mean for years i was (and to still some extent still am) fat everything.
fat girl
fat wife
fat mother
fat neighbor

the list goes on people.
It's my hang up

I just cringe when i hear the word "fat".
I almost have a guilty association with the word, and immediately think .. and question whether or not the inference is related to me.
How sick is that people?

OK.. different topic.
Thank you for the compliments on my photo and hair.
BUT....
I didn't get my hair done yet..
its TONIGHT
so that was my before picture..
but glad you liked it.
I hope I like the after..

Ok different topic.
I am in an emotional funk (no surprise there)
Not going to dwell here
BUT
I am tempting myself to do something drastic with my life..
No no.. nothing related to harming myself
I mean like a life changer
go for plastic surgery, a tummy tuck and a set of BOOBs
Take a cruise by myself
Move across the country
change careers
I dont know
I just feel an overwhelming desire to escape from where I am
and redo my self.

Ugh.. sorry this post is all over the place.
but that is me these days.. just a freakin train wreck..

Keepin it Real

2011-03-07T19:37:00.001-05:00

OK... I got thinking tonight.. (cause I got me lots of time to think).
And here is the question for you all..

What kind of things can you do with your body that you couldn't do before WLS.

Now before this goes down hill quick.. let me share with you my thoughts.

1. I can shave my legs with out squishing my gut fat and basically cutting off my breath.

2. I can pull up pantyhose with out fear of them not fitting over my ass or hanging low in the crotch

3. Although I have some nasty hanging skin on my upper arms, I find I can put a sweater on and then my jacket on without looking like the Michelan Tire man.

4. My feet are not as wide. And I feel a little bit better in heels.

5. I don;t know if I am imagining this.. but I think my ear lobes are smaller too.

6. My face looks more in proportion with my shoulders.. meaning my head doesnt look like a tomato on top of my shoulders. And I have a neck now.. where did that come from..

So.. I think you get the idea here..
so share yours if you are of the same mind..

and hugs out to all of you... (wink)

I need to MOTIVATE Myself

2011-03-05T18:53:00.000-05:00

TO EXERCISE...

I really think if I can convince myself that exercising would do me some good.. I could get into a routine.

The problem is this: I am losing weight without exercising, so whats the motivation.

Maybe to tighten up my ass and thighs.. yeah.. but who is going to be seeing those parts.
So.. once again.. whats the motivation.

UGH!!..

I am still at this eat or don't eat, who cares stage.
A bag of peanut M&M's seems to be my friend..but even that is not as tempting as it would have been.

I decided to make an appointment to get my hair summerized. Color, Highlights, the whole nine yards.
I am going to squeeze a facial in there some where.
And just for sh%ts and giggles, I am going to get a wax, and hope to God that my wrinkly skin doesn't send that poor Asian girl screaming for the hills..

So there.. that is my whole exciting life to date.
Still losing weight,
Untoned skin,
Some spots a bit hairy
and in need of a dash of blonde.

This concludes the update on me.
Have a good night.

Plump Up

2011-02-28T19:20:00.000-05:00

As I pursue my journey to lose lbs..
I can't help but gaze into the mirror and say
EEEK..

My god how I have aged over the last few months.
The old girl looks like she needs an overhaul.

I mean all of me.
Some things are sagging
Some things just hang

The hair could use a protein and shine boost.
and the lips.. well I think they could use some plumping.

Come to think of it so could the girls use some inflation and lifting.
Hey, while I am thinking of it maybe just a nip here, tuck there around the pooch.

Might as well get some botox across those brows
And perhaps just some filler around the eyes

Nails are looking like hell.. tips would be good.

Maybe just a laser blast on those spider veins and
why not do some lipo on those arms.

You know.. the hell with it!!

Screw it..
I am perfect the way I am..

How to TRICK your Metabolism

2011-02-26T20:28:00.000-05:00

Ok.. I just read this and thought it was worth sharing..
What do you think..

INTERVALS
The next time you run, swim, or even walk, ramp up the intensity for 30-second intervals, returning to your normal speed afterward. Using this strategy will help you consume more oxygen and make your cell powerhouses, the mitochondria, work harder to burn energy, explains Mark Hyman, MD, an integrative and functional medicine specialist in private practice in Lenox, Massachusetts, and author of Ultrametabolism: The Simple Plan for Automatic Weight Loss. "You increase the number of mitochondria and how efficiently they burn throughout the day," he explains.This way, you can exercise for less time than it takes to plod along at the same pace and still get great results.

SOMETHING FISHY
Why does eating lots of fish rich in omega-3 fatty acids (salmon, herring, and tuna) help amp up metabolism? Omega-3s balance blood sugar and reduce inflammation, helping to regulate metabolism. They may also reduce resistance to the hormone leptin, which researchers have linked to how fast fat is burned. A study in Obesity Research found rats that ingested large doses of fish oil while exercising lost weight. Take omega-3 fatty acid supplements; Hyman recommends 1,000 to 2,000 milligrams per day. Hate the fishy after-burp? Try flaxseed oil, walnuts, or eggs fortified with omega-3s. Or check out supplements (by brands such as Nordic Naturals) that have no fishy taste.

MUSCLE
Not only does muscle weigh more than fat, but it uses more energy, too. The average woman in her 30s who strength-trains 30 to 40 minutes twice a week for four months will increase her resting metabolism by 100 calories a day. That means you’re resetting your thermostat to keep running at that rate even on the days when you don't make it to the gym, Hunter explains.

A CUP OF GREEN TEA
Green tea has long been heralded for its antioxidant polyphenols. But new evidence shows the active ingredient, catechin, may crank up metabolism. Researchers conducted a series of studies in dieters and found that those who went green lost more weight than those who didn't, suggesting that catechins may improve fat oxidation and thermogenesis, your body's production of energy, or heat, from digestion.

But how much do you have to drink? According to one study, if you drink five eight-ounce cups of green tea a day, you can increase your energy expenditure by 90 calories a day. Sounds like a lot of tea, but it's not hard to do if you also drink it iced.

WORK WITH YOUR BMR
It's one of the most frustrating realities of dieting—if you cut out too many calories, your metabolism thinks times are lean and puts the breaks on fat-burning to conserve energy, Hunter explains. Here’s the trick to keeping your metabolism revved up while dieting: Eat enough calories to at least match your resting metabolic rate (what you'd burn if you stayed in bed all day; calculate yours here). That's about 1,330 calories for a 5-feet-4-inch, 150-pound, 40-year-old woman.

EXERCISE THE GIFT THAT KEEPS GIVING
Exercise is a gift to yourself that keeps on giving. In a phenomenon known as excess postexercise oxygen consumption (EPOC), your body can take hours to recover from a robust workout (one intense enough that you can't hold a conversation) and return to its previous resting metabolic rate. The windfall: Your body is actually burning more calories than it normally would—even after you've finished exercising. There’s a catch, though. The better shape you're in, the less benefit you'll get, because your fit body replenishes its energy stores efficiently. You can improve your burn by increasing how often or how hard you work out (think intervals), suggests Walt Thompson, PhD, professor of kinesiology and health and nutrition at Georgia State University.

START YOUR DAY WITH BREAKFAST
Make sure you eat breakfast. Eating a nutrient-rich morning meal (like oatmeal with almonds and berries, or a spinach-and-feta omelet with a slice of whole-grain toast) shortly after getting out of bed literally wakes up your metabolism.
"Eating breakfast gets the engine going and keeps it going," Hyman explains. It's hard to argue with these results: According to the National Weight Control Registry (an ongoing study that tracks 5,000 people who lost an average of 66 pounds and kept it off more than five years), 78% of those who keep it off eat an a.m. meal every day.

SIX SMALL MEALS
Noshing throughout the day is a proven strategy to help you curb hunger and eat fewer calories overall. Now, experts are promoting nibbling versus gorging as a way to keep metabolism running by holding blood sugar levels steady and preventing weight-gain-promoting insulin spikes. Enjoying six small meals a day should do the trick; keep them around 300 calories each, or divide your usual day's calories by six.

NO TRANS FOR YOU
You’ve heard they're bad for you. But trans fats also slow down your body's ability to burn fat. "They have an altered shape and make your biochemistry run funny," Hyman says, explaining that trans fat binds to fat and liver cells and slows metabolism. Eating trans fat can also lead to insulin resistance and inflammation, both of which cripple metabolism and can cause weight gain.

AU NATURAL
If you’re on the fence about whether to buy organic, this news may sway you: Fruits, vegetables, and grains grown without pesticides keep your fat-burning system running at full-tilt because they don’t expose your thyroid to toxins, Hyman says. Nonorganic produce, on the other hand, “blocks your metabolism mainly by interfering with your thyroid, which is your body’s thermostat and determines how fast it runs,” he explains.

PROTEIN
Your body digests protein more slowly than fat or carbs, so you feel full longer (this is especially true when you have it for breakfast). Plus, it may also give your metabolism a bump. In a process called thermogenesis, your body uses about 10% of its calorie intake for digestion. So, because it takes longer to burn protein than carbs or fat, your body expends more energy absorbing the nutrients in a high-protein diet. Another bonus: One recent study from Purdue University found that diets higher in protein may help preserve lean body mass, which is the best fat-burner of all.

It's BYOC... WHy NoT!!!

2011-02-25T14:06:00.001-05:00

Here we goooooo
and Why not.. it is FRIDAY afterall
Right Draz!!

1. Are you a heavy or light sleeper?
Are we talking drug induced or not..
Well, I usually cry myself to sleep, and you know that is exhausting.. so I would say once I am asleep.. I am asleep, of course, unless I need to pee.. than.. not so asleep.
2. If you were made into a professor for a day, what topic would you lecture on?
Hmm.. I don't need to be a professor to give a good lecture.. I do it all the time.
Outside of work.. I would lecture on the value of living a good life. Life is so hectic that I think it takes a hard smack on the head to realize how precious life really is.. and how much we take for granted.. so I guess I would open my heart and share why living a good life AND living in the moment is important.

3. What’s a skill you’ve always wanted that you don’t currently have?
This is going to sound soooo dumb, but I wish I knew Excel better.. I{Excel is one of the microsoft programs for managing numbers, data,.. blah blah blah} but a reall good tool in business. I freaking struggle with this application all the time, my kids are a whiz..

4. Have you ever been in a real cat fight?
Not really, my first impulse is to try to establish common ground when having a disagreement.. If I cant get to that place with someone.. I usually walk away.. no sense in two people getting irritated.

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in real life and in blog land.

In BlogLand.. i guess I am a little taken back by the number of posts I am reading on unfills.. Is it me or does it seem things are a bit on an uptrend in this area..

In REAL life... ugh1... please... my life is a freakin roller coaster... I am devasted by my friend's cancer dx.. I just want cancer to go away and become extinct...

Be well my friends... spring is just around the corner.. the groundhog said so!!

What the Band Has Really Given Me..

2011-02-24T20:54:00.001-05:00

There is nothing more rewarding than to see a person happy.
Think about it.
When you read or hear about some one's victory, on the scale or in the dressing room,
doesn't a big old smile come across your face.
So the band has given me many many smiles reading about your happiness and victories..

And of course, when times are tough by means of WL or Life
The people who have surrounded my cyber space have given me unconditional love and support.
So the band has fulfilled for me one of the most basic needs in life.. a sense of belonging.

And then there are the stories..
the stories of those who have walked the band talk
Those who have shared their journey, who have opened their hearts and souls
And told us what worked, what didn't
And what was normal and not
They coaxed us to hang in there.
And cheered us on that we can do it.
So the band has given me support to dream my dreams and achieve my WL goals.

But most of all the band has allowed me to reach out and meet you.
It has allowed me to open my life and share my times of pain and joy.
And that my friends has given me something that no amount of money, fame or beauty could provide.
And that is your friendship..
That is what the Band has really given me..

XXOO Hugs.. be well..

The Rest of the Story....

2011-02-24T13:23:00.002-05:00

So.. to continue..

After I opened the envelope and read the letter the phone rang..
Of course, I was still stunned by where the letter came from and I thought for sure I would just blurt out to whomever was calling what I just received.

But it was not to happen that way.

The phone call came from a friend, who was apologizing to me .. because she did not come to the funeral services.. she came to the viewing the evening before.. but not to the church or cemetery.

I immediately said no worry, I know Mark was in your heart that day..
And she said .. well there was a reason..and she wanted to tell me.

She had to go to Penn the day of Mark's funeral.
To get some results.

That day, the doctor told her she had Stage IV lung cancer (has spread to lymph nodes).
She is 34 with two adorable small children, and loving husband
She is a non smoker
She is an athlete
She has cancer... bad.

She told me that it started with a sinus infection in the fall.
Where the doctors gave her this prescription and that prescription
and the sinus infection and cough was persistent.
Her husband said time for a new doctor.. and found an ENT in NYC.
They went.
He said lets get an xray
It was there... the mass and
then the bronchoscopy and then the PET scan to confirm the spread into the lymph nodes.

She said she didn't want to tell me while Mark was going through all that he was.. but now..
Now she really needed to tell someone..

I was and am still stunned.
WTF
WHY DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN TO HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wanted to scream... WHY WHY WHY>.
but I could not do that..
She is calling me .. to tell me.
Me.. who is so sick of the word cancer..and now my friend...
WHY..

She is the sweetest person in the world.. the best mom (she doesn't dump her kids off or shuffle them off with the au pair like some in my town).

I wonder why this happens.. and now I wonder if I have the strength to see/be with someone going through this again.
But, I will.
So hug your babies, hug your partner and loved one.

Life is too freakin short

Thanks Michelle..

2011-02-23T20:56:00.002-05:00

Alright..
You are not going to believe this one..

Yesterday was a rather crappy day.. for a whole plethora of reasons.
The weather, work, taxes to be done, the weather.. blah blah blah blah..

So I go to get the mail.. and there is this rather large manila envelope in the mailbox.

I pull it out to see what's up.. what type of paperwork are they sending me now..
I am in paperwork hell.. so many freakin forms for this and that..

I look down at the envelope, and in the far left corner of the envelope it reads:

"The White House"
Washington, DC

No street address..

My name and address where typed out on a label
It was stamped first class, do not bend.

OK.. if you are the freakin mailman.. are you going to try to bend that envelope.

HELL NO.. somebody is probably watching you from the bushes across the street.

OK.. I am thinking .. good lord what can this be.

And there is was, nestled in between two pieces of card board
A beautiful piece of stationery, embossed with the presidential seal and a stark bold font proclaiming THE WHITE HOUSE
and contained a letter addressed to me and followed with the sweetest letter of condolence from Michelle Obama.
Hand signed, no rubber stamp.

An absolute sweet gesture.

I was flabbergasted.. (did I spell that right).

This was my day that went from an absolute low to a high and then .. well I will tell you the rest of the story in another post on another day (not to keep you hanging.. but its just too fresh to write about right now).. Let's just say.. it confirms my message.. hug your babies, hug your best friend.. life is too freakin short..

Thank God for Reruns..

2011-02-21T20:38:00.000-05:00

Ok .. second post today..
Seriously... What's up with me.
I think I am in avoidance mode...and worse yet..
I think I may be getting sick.
Which is SOOO not like me.
I never get sick..
Then I start to think...
What if I get really sick and die and
worse yet .. no one discovers my body for weeks.
And I start to shrivel up and stink
And my dogs start to bark and the neighbors get suspicious
and then
Not until then
Do they discover that I have died..

yeah.. so maybe that wont happen and maybe
I should just stick to my original plan of watching Sex in the City reruns..

What is it about that TV Series that is just like taking a hot bath and letting the mind wonder.

I so need a good laugh..
And that show just somehow takes my mind away from it all..

Oh that Carrie.. she is such the "IT" girl..
You never really see her eating anything though.. I mean she will take a bite, but I do not see her swallow anything..
No wonder that skinny b#tch looks good.. (hmm random thoughts as I admire her fashion sense)..

Hmm... see.. what is happening.. I am focusing on stupid stuff.
The supposedly analytical, introspective me.. kapoof... gone.

And oh that Samantha.. now that naughty girl.. well.. lets just leave it at that..

So yeah.. I just wanted to follow up my earlier post.. with a.. yeah.. it will be OK.

there is always Sex in the City reruns..

I am a Crappy Eater

2011-02-21T13:26:00.000-05:00

Yep.. that is what I have become.
I still can not eat alot, but what I am reaching for is crap.
A cookie, a cracker..
I had a small salad for dinner last night.
My weightloss has kind of stopped.. I teeter between 180 and 179.. depends on the time of day.

I think the carbs I am now consuming are sucking up water/sodium
who knows
I really think I lost alot of muscle along the way.
My skin is really really loose.

That part is really depressing.
I think I am just freaking depressed ......period.

There is so much in front of me to tackle.

I try to get myself motivated and then ..
just one little freaking thing derails me.
This is sooooo NOT me.

Work has sucked me back in.. going full steam.
I have business trips piling on....

God this is a depressing post... maybe I need to rewrite..
eh.. maybe not.. its the way I feel... screw it.

I am stressing about the house...
its just me.
but there is so much of us here.
All of my memories are here.

I wish I could turn the clock back.
How can this freakin life be!!
Why did God do this to me.
Why?

Hug your babies, husband and loved ones tonight..
Just hug them tight.

A Better Day

2011-02-19T13:23:00.000-05:00

First thank you for all of your kind words.. you are such an incredible network of friends..
I want to reach out to each and everyone and extend my hugs (((( Me to YOU )))))

as so many of you have said.. grieving is a very personal journey...

A Better Day

2011-02-17T16:00:00.000-05:00

This is not a pity post, but written so that I can move through my stages of grief
Today.. I have the need to blog in my little cyber space and to express my emotions (band related or not).
Today I feel like this picture.
Like everything is crashing in on me.
I wake each day trying to be a solid rock, and then the reality hits me.. just like the waves,
The force, undescribable at times...
With each swell of waves and emotions that are released I feel them smash into my body from all different angles.

The emotions and reality of my life leave me in a place where as hard as I try, I can not find acceptance of what has happened to me.
I can not wrap around my brain around the fact that my life as I have known it, is no longer.
There is now:
A sudden and cold shut off.
A severing of emotion,
A complete shut down of any stimulus.
An absence of companionship
I now rely soley on memories to carry the heart on.

We all experience change in our lives, for the good and for the bad.
So coping is a mechanism that we learn and must possess to survive.
These are the challenges for me.... that is to first survive, and then to exist.

These words have slightly different meaning as you will see..

To Survive: To remain alive or exist
To Exist: To have actual being; or to continue to be or live.

I have a bit of embarassment and vulnerability in putting this out there, but it may also be a call out to find how others have coped and survived.
I feel very lost.. to lose my life companion and to be faced with a new day alone.

Be well my friends..

The Surprise of My Life....

2011-02-14T22:11:00.000-05:00

As many of you know.. the months of december and january where ... well just totally sucked the life out of me..
A total void of any celebrations
No Christmas, No New Year, No Birthday Celebrations.
We never got to exchange any gifts at all.. he was just to ill... so the gifts have sat in boxes, now moved into a spare bedroom
All of the Gifts sat unopened
How could I EVER want to celebrate anything.. now

Over the weekend, at the urging of my daughter.. she repeatedly said .. mom, why don't you open the Christmas Gift that daddy picked out for you.

I simply couldn't.. the memories of the past few months are still too painful..

Fast forward to Today is Valentine's day..
I am Still broken hearted..

But as I awoke today.. I realized that I will be OK, I have my memories..

Again today, my daughter urged me to open his gift... he picked it out just for you..

So when I got home from work this evening, after feeding the puppy dogs.. I went into the bedroom .. picked out the two gifts so perfectly wrapped.

And there it was.. the gift that he bought for me
He bought me an iPad.. and had a loving message imprinted on the one side of the iPad

He must have heard me say something along the way.. that I thought they were so cool...

So in fact, this was the last gift my husband selected and bought for me.

I couldn't think of better way to spend my valentine day, but by opening a loving gift, with a loving message written by him..

Hugs to all

Something to think about.. and then some

2011-02-13T16:37:00.000-05:00

Ok.. I have been kind of blue today.. and I have spent some time trying to find the answers in life to a boatload of questions.. , and quite frankly.. I haven't come up with any good answers, BUT, I did come across this incredible video.. whether you agree with the message or not.. you will probably agree this is pretty freakin COOL..

Meeting TED!!!!

2011-02-12T09:03:00.001-05:00

I certainly hope you didn't pop onto my blog thinking I actually met someone named Ted!.. No no no..

TED is an incredible website that I visit often when I need some cranial stimulation.
Have any of you met TED?
if not.. and you have some casual down time (yeah whats that these days) I would encourage you to do so.

TED http://www.ted.com/ is a forum where you can view mini talks on a plethora of topics (almost anything).

Its where people share their ideas, views, etc.
You can find mini talks (about 20 minutes on almost any topic).

One of my favorite talks is by Brene Brown on :The Power of Vulnerability
Incredibly insightful.. but it does run about 20 minutes (so please give it its due course).
After viewing this.. I have concluded.. Yes I am vulnerable.. and I am OK with that.

There are so many different topics.. David Blane addresses a medical group on how he conditioned his body to hold his breath for 17 minutes.How I held my Breath for 17 Minutes

You can review all of the speakers and topics.. I just find this to be an incredibly easy way to get some knowledge without having to leave my pajamas!!

Be well

Me in my new 12's

2011-02-11T18:35:00.000-05:00

Ok.. bought new Gap 12's yesterday.
Do you see what I see.
A little tiny white space between my thighs.
Where has that been hiding?
Yeah I need to get a new photo shot background.. but whatever..

Me like this..new me..

PIG OUT!!!! and BYOC...

2011-02-11T12:50:00.000-05:00

Ok.. I pigged out today.
I had:
2 cups of tea
1 baby bell cheese thingy
1 yoplait light yogurt
1 protein bar.

HA! I stretched that pouch out and gave it a good workout...
See.. that felt good to finally keep food down... I did see a glimpse of the 170's yesterday.. but I am sure after my pig out.. and carbs being introduced that my fat cells are going to suck up all of the water in the world... and you know what.. i really don't care.. suck away my little fat cells.. enjoy!!

BYOC Friday….
1. What day of the week do you love and what day of the week do you hate?
Saturday.. for sure... the schedule can get tossed into the crapper.. although now adays..it's just me, so F the schedule.. I can do whatever I want at home whenever I want..
I hate Sunday night.. cause I have to go onto my computer and do work stuff, because my sites in China and Europe are already at or will be at work, and I need to write them an ass kicking email to get their week started so they can say they hate Monday's cause they get emails from me..
Ok, I shouldn't get carried away.. my life really does still suck.. so onto the next question.

2. What is your middle name and is there a meaning behind it?
Joan.. it's my mothers name ..

3. Since I’m dreaming of my next tattoo, I’m going to ask this one. Do you have any tattoos? How many? If you don’t have one – what would you get if you did have one?
Nope.. no tats... I have small tits and no tats..
I always wanted one of Tinkerbell, but Mark said if I got a tat I couldn't be buried in a Jewish cemetery, btw, I am catholic.. (go figure)..

4. On that same theme of dirty little secrets…how many piercings do you have? Any you wish you had?
Hm.. two (one in each ear).. but you know what... I think I could see the wild child in me do the little nose thing.. need to keep my options open ya know.

5. Repeat question: Summarize your life in blog land and in real life.

Yes Draz and all of my BOOBaloobies.. I am so happy to be able to blog and email you and communicate with you.. it made me cry to see that our next meeting was underway and you actually thought about me in the planning.. honestly.. how incredibly touching is that.. and all of the cards, and acts of kindness.. seriously, I thought my vulnerability was going to kill me, but you have raised me and my spirits.. through my incredibly painful loss of the man of my life. I will never ever get over the loss, but I will never ever forget all of you love and kindness bestowed up me.. and I mean that..

Well the above is my real life.. except for all of the paperwork I am now faced with ..that part truly does suck..

Be well my friends and Happy Friday.