17 February 2011

This is not a pity post, but written so that I can move through my stages of grief
Today.. I have the need to blog in my little cyber space and to express my emotions (band related or not).
Today I feel like this picture.
Like everything is crashing in on me.
I wake each day trying to be a solid rock, and then the reality hits me.. just like the waves,
The force, undescribable at times...
With each swell of waves and emotions that are released I feel them smash into my body from all different angles.

The emotions and reality of my life  leave me in a place where as hard as I try, I can not find acceptance of what has happened to me.
I can not wrap around my brain around the fact that my life as I have known it, is no longer.
There is now:
A sudden and cold shut off.
A severing of emotion,
A complete shut down of any stimulus.
An absence of companionship
I now rely soley on memories to carry the heart on.

We all experience change in our lives, for the good and for the bad.
So coping is a mechanism that we learn and must possess to survive.
These are the challenges for me.... that is to first survive, and then to exist.

These words have slightly different meaning as you will see..

To Survive: To remain alive or exist
To Exist: To have actual being; or to continue to be or live.

I have a bit of embarassment and vulnerability in putting this out there, but it may also be a call out to find how others have coped and survived.
I feel very lost.. to lose my life companion and to be faced with a new day alone.

Be well my friends..


  1. I am glad you posted this. You are not alone and while we cannot know or alleviate your grief, we are here for you. It is hard to grieve and it's even harder to grieve when the person you are grieving for is also the other half of your life. Everything you know is gone and changed. Now, while grieving, you are also forced to redefine your life - and that's daunting to say the least.

    I have not lost a companion in the sense that you have and I know that every grief is different. I have lost my mom who was also my best friend. While my grief was different - I got to go home, got to go back to my friends and my coworkers and my life - my step-dad, on the other hand, did not. Everything about his life changed and our grief actually brought us closer.

    I am sorry to say the only way to cope and survive is to do what you are doing. Speak up when the thoughts are there. Blog, talk to friends, talk to your family - let people help. At the end of the day, though, you just have to survive. I am not one of those that believes that time will heal this. This will never heal. But over time, you will redefine your reality and it will be ok.

    And to mix it up even more, you aren't just grieving for yourself, but also for what Mark lost. I found, in the case of my mom, that my grief, initially, was for her. My grief for myself - that didn't hit until four years later. It can be an incredibly long process. My mom, as is your Mark, is irreplaceable. It changes everything.

    If you ever want to talk or just email or anything, I am here for you. ldswims0808@gmail.com and I'd be happy to do whatever I can.

    Much love and hugs...

  2. I wish I had words of comfort for you and I can not begin to imagine how you are feeling. But I do hurt for you and I hope for your pain to get easier each day. There will be happy moments. Lean on others. It is hard at times but try! Thinking of you... a new friend, Amanda

  3. Please never be embarrassed Barb. Your post was touching and meaningful and I hope it helps you process just a tiny droplet of the grief that is crashing over you. You are very brave, I want you to know that. I can't imagine what you are dealing with. HUGS

  4. My heart aches for you. I cannot imagine the profound sorrow that you are feeling. I know that you are doing the right thing though, you are talking about it, blogging about it and most importantly feeling it. They say time heals all wounds, whoever they are...they are full of it! A wound like this will never heal, but it will eventually get smaller and hurt less. All I can say, is lean on us, we are here for you! Love you and can't wait to hug you tight when I see you again! You are in my prayers, always!

  5. Barb- Grief is a hard thing to go through and everyone goes through it differently. There are different stages as there is for everything in life. Talking about it is the best way to help whether it is talking to a person or blogging about it. The point is, is to get it out and let others comfort you. Say what you need to say... you know that none of us judge you for how feel.
    Feel better and you are in my thoughts!

  6. No embarrassment allowed. I can't even begin to feel your pain, but I'm always here for you. Always. Love you!

  7. Honesty and vulnerability are traits you should be proud of, not embarrassed of. I know losing a parent is a different type of loss than losing a husband, but my mom was also my best friend. And she died way too young - 63. I still needed her and I miss her so much. Initially when she passed away it physically hurt me. My chest hurt all the time because I feel like somebody had reached in and ripped out my heart. The only way I got through was knowing that my children and my husband depended on me to keep my shit together. But I'll be honest with you, I gained 60 lbs in a year because I dealt with my grief my eating. March is a bad month for me. It is the month that I lost my mom and I am nervous facing it without the comfort of food. Your loss is very fresh and you have to understand that your feelings are normal and not be embarrassed by them. Unfortunately it is going to hurt, but I know that you will get through it and I promise you it will eventually hurt less. We love you and we will support you any way we can.

  8. I wish I had answers, or could say something that could comfort you, console you, or take the pain away.. I may not have answers, but I can listen (read), offer a strong shoulder for you to lean on, and just let you know that I care..

    If you ever need or want my strong shoulders, my open ears, someone to share with you, I am here..


    You're always in my prayers...

  9. I agree with Bonnie, honesty and vulnerability are wonderful traits. I know you are going through so much but you are being strong by going through and processing those feelings and not suppressing them. Be good to yourself Barbara...and keep posting...

  10. Oh Barbara............. I think of you often and wish you all the strength and love you need to stand up to these swells of life.


  11. Never feel embarrassed about what you are feeling Barb. You are working through a horrific thing and we are all here through the good and bad. xoxolinda

  12. My heart goes out to you, Barbara. I was blinking back the tears reading your message. I can only imaging how hard this part of life you are experiencing right now must be. I hope that you know how many people whose lives you touch every day (just look at your blogs stats) and that we're all with you in spirit and wishing you well. xoxoxo

  13. Time Barb....that is all I can say. I talk to my sister every day, some days more than once. Its 9 months for her and she has "her days", both good and bad. You are doing the right thing though by putting it out there. Talking is the answer, not by keeping it in. I wish there was something I could say to comfort you. Hang in there honey.

  14. Your blog, your emotions, your feelings, your grief, in your way, on your own time because he was your Mark....in September you will physically feel all of us hugging you....until then we are with you every single day in spirit.

  15. Keep feeling it, keep talking about it, keep writing about it and surround yourself with the many people who love you and are here for you. I could be there in the shake of a lamb's tale whenever you feel you want to talk...or not talk at all. I will be there/here for you...always.
    Did you get my e-mail on Sunday???? I just figured you were having a crap week.
    Love you!!!!

  16. Never be embarrassed. Get it out. It doesn't even have to make sense. Let your blog help. Let us help. We're here, there is so much love and support flowing your way.

  17. I am tearing up too. I know how lonely I get when my husband is gone for weeks at a time. But, I know he is coming back. Sometimes I think about what if he doesn't come home? The pain is horrible. I lost my mom 8 years ago and it still hurts. I gained weight like Bonnie did. I still think of her everyday. Yesterday was her birthday. She would have been 70 years old. I know she is in a better place and in no more pain. That is what gets me though the grief. I cannot wait to give you a big hug in Chicago.

  18. I can't imagine what all you must be feeling, even trying to imagine losing my George is too unbearable... but in reality, There are no words. I am glad that you are blogging and letting yourself really feel your grief. It has been said that if you don't ride your grief wherever it takes to... even to rock bottom, or you will never be about to Just "BE" again. Moving on... is only a concept and it is not an option for you yet, You need to take your time and see yourself through the grief... You lost a part of yourself but you are still whole, it's just a matter of rearranging all your loose pieces and finding yourself again. Please know, you are in my prayers and thoughts everyday. XOXO *M*

  19. very well put... understood and I'm glad you're expressing yourself...

  20. I can't begin to imagine your grief. You cross my mind often. Hugs to you.

  21. I have not lost my hubby, but I lost my mom to RCC last March. And well I never imagined my life without her, and almost a year later, I can tell you that life does go on. It is a new life, a different life. But you will find the strength in places you never would have imagined you would find it. And at times you will think you are ready to give up, but a memory will remind you that they want you to live. They want to you go on. We will never forget the ones we have lost, and in ways they will be with us forever. If you listen you will hear their voice subtly reminding you that life must go on and they are there when you need them.

  22. Never be embarrassed for sharing your thoughts and feelings. We love you for them and are here to help you, even though many of us might not know the right words to say, but know that we care so much for you and although Mark is no longer with you in the physical sense, he is with you every minute of every day, watching over you, caring for you and loving you. You may not be able to see him, but he is there. Hugs to you...:)

    Oh and on a funny note to try and make you smile, my verification word was "Butcho". Seriously? Who comes up with these words? :)

  23. never ever ever be embarrassed..I can't imagine what your going through. I love you!!xoxo