21 February 2011

I am a Crappy Eater

Yep.. that is what I have become.
I still can not eat alot, but what I am reaching for is crap.
A cookie, a cracker..
I had a small salad for dinner last night.
My weightloss has kind of stopped.. I teeter between 180 and 179.. depends on the time of day.

I think the carbs I am now consuming are sucking up water/sodium
who knows
I really think I lost alot of muscle along the way.
My skin is really really loose.

That part is really depressing.
I think I am just freaking depressed ......period.

There is so much in front of me to tackle.

I try to get myself motivated and then ..
just one little freaking thing derails me.
This is sooooo NOT me.

Work has sucked me back in.. going full steam.
I have business trips piling on....

God this is a depressing post... maybe I need to rewrite..
eh.. maybe not.. its the way I feel... screw it.

I am stressing about the house...
its just me.
but there is so much of us here.
All of my memories are here.

I wish I could turn the clock back.
How can this freakin life be!!
Why did God do this to me.

Hug your babies, husband and loved ones tonight..
Just hug them tight.


  1. I am so looking forward to seeing you in New York and being able to give you a big hug in person.

  2. Well, it certainly makes sense that you feel some depression! Give yourself time.So sorry for your pain and all your continuing to go through.

  3. Hang in there Barbara! One day at a time!

  4. I agree with tessierose...one day at a time..Sending you a lot oof XOXOXOX today.

  5. I am glad you posted this. I am glad you got it out there and I am glad you realize it. But stop right there with being mean to yourself about it.

    Right after my miscarriage I chose to forget to "worry" about food. And if it was pure carbs I ate, then it was pure carbs. Who cared, there were other things on my mind. Your pain is real and stress does not lessen it. And worrying about food, especially for the sake of weightloss, is stress. When you are ready, you will turn it around. That much I know, you are strong and you have done so well with this. But life throws detours all along our paths and sometimes we just have to ride the detour and go through the stuff we never saw coming. Please don't stress about food, of all things.

    As for the house, I completely get the memories tied to it and how hard that is. But I will tell you something my mom told her patients (she was a geriatric RNP) as well as her husband and my grandmother. Do not make any major life decisions for the next year. Let the dust settle, hard as that is. Moving will not make it easier. In fact, it's likely to turn up some regrets later.

    I am so sorry but nothing can make this easier. The only things that can help are time and letting it out and turning to loved ones and friends.

    I am here for you.


  6. I totally agree with LDSwims regarding waiting before making any big decisions. Even if its not for a whole year, give yourself persmission to defer decisions for awhile. Be good to yourself Barbara...

  7. I wish I could make it better. {{{Hugs}}}

  8. My heart breaks for you. My husband travels a lot for work, so I am here a ll alone and it really does suck. Give yourself time. Come to Florida and see me! It's just me and I have plenty of room! Imagine sitting on the beach sipping margaritas!!!!! You have an open invitation, Barb.

  9. Depression sucks weather it's situational or ongoing. Maybe see a doc? Maybe some lovely drugs are in order? ;)

  10. I'm with Joey...outside help might be in order if it can offer you hope.

  11. Ditto what all these other wonderful people said - consider help, consider drugs, go easy on yourself and remember you're very, very loved!

  12. Oh, Barb, Take it one day at a time and it will be less overwhelming... I hope that you realize how amazing you are and how strong... You will be... yourself, again. I love you. *M*