04 February 2011

What Next??

Ugh.... how I feel..
Spent all of yesterday in pj's under blankets.. not wanting.. not wanting much of anything.
Grieving.. weird word...
Had my first "widow" experience.. filling out tons of forms.
Status:  ___ Married  or ____ Not Married...
I was married.. I am not not married. 
Ok, overly sensitive I know..

Confession time:  I ate 3 chocolate chip cookies and about 5 dark chocolate things last nite.
My eating totally sucks.
I weighed in at 185 lbs this morning.. down from 207 on Dec. 3rd..
We have so much food in the house from people sending things, making things.. ugh..
Too much.. I sent tons of it off with family.
My daughter made me some delish turkey chili.. I have been having spoonfuls at a time.

I have come to realize that my grocery bill is going to go way way down too. DH was a good eater and I loved to cook for him.

What a big adjustment this is going to be.. life changer... its hard to process..
I now find myself googling "How to grieve" wtf.. why should I be looking that up..
Why?  because I don't want to do it wrong.. what is wrong with me!!!
Friggin over achiever.. none of that matters.  I just want to crawl up in a ball..
Have anger going on too.. a tornado of emotions.

Dreading Monday.. I am going back to work.
Hoping, praying, people just let me do work.. do not ask me how I am.
I Am tired of the cliches..
I find myselfobligated to be in a position to comfort those trying to comfort me..
It's tiring.

Miss him..  just miss him..  sorry... this thought just never leaves my mind.

Hugs to you BOOBS.. honestly, I got Steph's letter today..
So incredibly kind, loving, generous, thoughtful ... you ladies are tremendous..

Yes.. its going to take a long time.. to be able to pull that blanket completely off of my head.

hugs.. be well


  1. Dear Barbara
    You must do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it. Stay in your pjs, go back to work, eat chocolate, do all three at the same time!
    Seems to me you are a very courageous and strong woman and you will get through this tough time and help others through it too.
    Much love to you.

  2. I wish I had words to make you feel better. Just know that we are here for you, let us help you with the process, say things here that you can't say any place else. We love you!

  3. Oh Barb, I know that I have never met you, but I have been following your blog for a whilie now. My heart breaks for you. This is such an adjustment. Try to remember to be good to yourself. Let yourself feel what you need to, when you need to. There is no right or wrong in grieving. We all do it differently. There is no pass or fail.

    Just remember, you have a huge community of people here that love you and support you. Write as much or as little as you want/need and we will be hear to listen and comfort, cajole, celebrate...

  4. Sending you big hugs - hang in there and let us know if you need anything, we are here for you.

  5. I don't really know what to say, everything I've written sounds trite.
    I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this, I'm so sorry for your loss.

    Take care of yourself x

  6. You stay under those covers for a while, Barb. It's OK, it's what you need.

    Can you send a quick email to a work friend letting them know that you'd love it if everyone just acts as normal as possible when you get back? People feel so awkward - they want you to be comfortable but don't want you to think they're not acknowledging your loss.

    Hang in there.

  7. *HUGS* We are here for you whether you want to talk about grieving or eating or nothing at all, it doesn't matter! Whatever we can do to help. xxoo

  8. Barb, I am sending you a virtual hug... I know you don't know how to feel next, there's so many emotions involved. You are still yourself... Don't lose that in all this, Your marriage didn't define you and neither does being a widow. You are still strong, beautiful, loving Barb... And Mark will always be with you in your heart and the eyes of your girls.

  9. Sending you hugs, prayers, more prayers, more hugs... love you.


  10. I'm praying for you.. Mass for Mark will be this Saturday.. *Hugs*

  11. I simply cannot imagine what you are going through. Do you have to go back to work so soon? Maybe a little more time off would be good for you. You have to grieve the way you want to. There are no rules. You are in my heart, Barb. I think of you everyday. Peace be with you.

  12. Big hug. Thinking of you at this hard time. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and your memories of your precious husband. Sharing can help. Keep strong, but if you can't it's ok. Another hug xoxo

  13. You don't grieve "right" or "wrong". You just... Do. You feel, you move through it the best way you can in your own way.

    Don't apologise for writing your thoughts, your feelings in your blog. That is what it is here for.

  14. So so so sorry. I can't imagine how tough right now is. And the eating... hell with that in my opinion. You have plenty of time to worry about that, right now just take care of you!

  15. I must say, Googling won't help this time. And I am the ultimate Googler, searching out answers for almost anything and everything. But what you need won't be found on the internet, dear friend. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. You will breath again. I still ache knowing you are struggling. I burst into tears seeing the picture of Mark on your page. Such a sweet touch. He will always be with you.

    As for returning to work. Maybe you could just go in your pj's and they would be too shocked to say anything. I agree with Kristin-tell someone you are close to at work that you need some space. Most don't know what to say so will say silly things. And leave if you must.

    And you are married. Stupid forms. Always here for you babe. Will be down to visit when the weather warms.

  16. I'm afraid my words will fall short of providing much comfort but wanted to reiterate that we're all here for you. You do what YOU need. Do not worry about comforting others who want to comfort you. Let them comfort you and keep those covers up as long as you need them. ((HUGS))

  17. Hey sugarplum...if you want to talk grief, that's kind of my business...I can make sure you do it perfectly, my little overachiever. Send me an email, should you want to talk.

    BTW...my son has the same hat Mark is wearing in that pic. Good people, those Man Utd. fans :)

  18. I agree with these ladies. Everyone grieves in their own way and if you want to eat a pound of chocolate because your heart hurts a tiny bit less then go for it. I just hurt for you.

    My eyes filled with tears when I saw Mark's picture on your page. It's heartbreaking but he will be in your heart forever and always. Days will pass, routines will become routine again just in a different way and eventually you will be able to think of him without hurting so bad. Eventually you will be able to think of him and remember good times and smile in acceptance. It may come way down the road but it will come.

  19. Listen to these woman love...they're very wise and knowing.
    You are always in my thoughts and prayers and when you're ready, we'll get together to do...whatever helps.
    The You Tube tribute is lovely.

  20. I googled grieving too when my mom passed away. I don't think I went through all the stages and definitely didn't do in right order. Be kind to yourself. You are right, it will be a while before you pull that blanket completely off your head, but eventually it will happen.

  21. Barb- do what you need to do..don't google it..we support you here..big hugs being sent your way...Love you xo

  22. grieving is a crazy process. anything you feel is normal. and it is very tough to go through it. i wont tell you the pain ever goes away, but i can say that it does get easier as time passes. if you can, join a bereavement group. others there are going through the same things that you are and it helps to share your feelings. be kind to yourself.

  23. Oh no I would totally Google it too!

    I'm with everyone who says to be good to yourself. Wear your best jammies or get new ones, you deserve it. Make sure that blanket is the softest you can find. Get your nails done, your hair, get some exercise when you feel like it. Eat some chocolate. Have some wine. Read a novel if you can. I don't know, really, I'm just thinking about what I might try to do. Be kind to yourself. FORGET making anyone else trying to comfort you comfortable - you do not need that extra pressure!

    I can't stop thinking about you, I am so very sorry and sad. I know you will get through this, but it just sucks so much. Understatement, I know.....

    xoxoxo Gen

  24. Barb, I hope you're ok that I did this. My lovely friend Sheryl did a climb of the Empire State Building this week to raise money for Multiple Myeloma. I mentioned what you're going through and she wore Mark's name on her race bib to honor him during the race. You can see her post here:

  25. Barb- you're doing it perfectly well. There is no right way to 'grieve'-- I would call it 'surviving' and that's exactly what you need to do right now. Just survive day to day and know that in time, this feeling of desperate pain will diminish and you'll be able to feel the happy memories come through more and more and feel the pain less and less. Who knows how long? I just know that you'll muddle through each day and I am so glad you're coming on and writing. There is so much love for you right here in the blog world so stick with it and ask for support every day !! We're all here for you with the warmest hugs and love we can send...

  26. I have no great words of wisdom - I just hear you, I care and I wish you peace in due time. Hugs. Keep sharing.

  27. Grieving is a totally individual process, everyone does it different and at different rates. You just need to do what is best for you and yours in whatever time it takes. My thoughts have turned to you many times and I continue to pray for you and your family.

  28. Barbara - I am catching up on blogs after just getting the internet back and I want to say how truly sorry I am..I know you are trying to start the healing phase but I just had to send my sincere condolensces (sp?) as I follow your blog. I know your heart aches and I wish there was something anyone could do/say. I hope that each day might just get a bit better and you have to do it your way as grief is so individual...please know you are in my thoughts.

  29. Sending you buckets of love from me and my family. I don't know how to tell you to grieve...I don't want to offer you cliches...I just want you to know that you are in my prayers daily. I don't ask God for anyting specific...because I believe He knows what you need. I just say your name....again and again.

  30. Oh, Sweetheart....
    I would be googling the same thing. It would help me to focus on something. Seriously, take Gilly up on her offer. Are you really coming to NY? That would be a dream come true! XOXO

  31. I'm sending you a huge hug -- and I applaud you for looking up information on how to get through this. Now, what is this that Joey is saying about you coming to New York? xoxoxo

  32. You know what, barbara? Sometimes you just have to say "What the fuck!" This is your time to mourn. Let it out, grieve, rememeber, love cherish and live your life for you. I know so many people say "be strong" but there are times where you just need to let go and break down and let it all out. It helps you heal. Curse, scream, laugh and always remember Mark's love for you and let him fill your heart with the strength you will find on your own time. Big hugs to you!

  33. I wish I knew what to say to comfort you Barb. I am here for you, thats all i have. Thank God for your daughters, they are the reason you won't be pulling the blanket over your head.