02 April 2011

At a loss for words.. but here are a few

So .. I arrived home from my B-trip at 1:30 am Friday.
I stayed at a very phoo phoo spa and golf resort
I have stayed at alot of nice places, this place was over the top.

I met up with people who I have not seen in a year.
And of course my life has changed over the year on so many different levels.
1. my appearance
2. my job responsibilities have expanded greatly
3. I am now .. well  I am now alone.

The resort was packed with different meetings and events.
I have to say, it felt good to get out ..

The group was making evening plans and coaxed me to join them.
There were about 15 or so with the group that I went out with; all business associates, most had their spouses along for the trip.
The first night we spent the evening at the resort "sports" bar.
It was packed with probably close to 150  or so of the opposite sex.

Ugh. talk about uncomfortable ...
Let's face it girls, I am 54. 
And what was even more uncomfortable was some of the attention I got.
I mean men just walking up to me.

Could it be that dropping the weight has made me even the least bit attractive to the opposite sex.

And can I tell you how absolute guilty I felt having those conversations, allowing myself to laugh and have a good time.

Guility because its only been 9 weeks.. and there I am laughing, having a drink, letting go and forgetting about where I am in life for just those few hours or so.

It must be my catholic roots or something..
I did nothing wrong, obscene or like-wise
Just so F'ing guilty for even having the conversation exchange...
So much so, I didn't even leave my room the next night.

How messed up is that..


  1. Awww sweetie. Guilt will eat up your soul. There is NOTHING wrong with laughing and having a good time. I would put money on the fact that there is nothing your sweet husband liked more than seeing you smile. Why stop giving his spirit the same happiness?

  2. Take good care of yourself Barbara and BE HAPPY! Never feel guilty ....you have done everything right!

  3. I agree with Sherry 100%. While your life is now on a new, uncharted path, ENJOY it. Your capacity for love and fun is who you are and you should never, ever deny it.

    Do not worry about timelines and social "norms" (whatever they may be). Do what feels right and best for you and accept that those feelings and needs may keep changing.

    No matter what, don't ever feel guilty for being happy. You have seen first hand that there are no guarantees in life and our time here, no matter how long or short is what we make of it and you have much yet to do. :)

  4. So glad you are home again. Missed you. But I do like to hear that you had a few laughs--it's good for the soul. <3

  5. Oh man Barb. I'm so very sorry that you're feeling guilty. It makes sense, but I hate that you have to feel it. The changes in your life are so startling - so big - that it's sure to be difficult in all kinds of ways - some expected and some not - as you encounter each new experience in this new uncharted part of your life. I am sending you all the strength and love I can.

  6. Aw...it's not messed up, but you are right that you have no reason to feel guilty. You deserve happy times. Truly.

  7. Barbara-- seems so 'classic' for grief: it is very hard to allow yourself to enjoy your life after you lose your partner in life.. the guilt is profound but UNfounded in reality.
    I am so glad you had some momentary glimpses of what life will be like when you are feeling better more of the time-- please don't punish yourself for that.
    Anyway-- total love for you, and dang girl, of course you've got men hitting on you, you're a hot mama !!

  8. You absolutely positively without a doubt deserved those few ours as uncomfortable as they were...I guess it is a situation that you have now gotten through for the first time.

  9. I don't think I can say anything more than everyone else has said, but I realize right now you are going feel that guilt (even though it's unfounded)and while it seems horrible it will get easier. You deserve to laugh and smile and be happy. Lovely Mark would(does)want that for you.

  10. Barbara...I'm glad you shared...I'm sorry about your conflicted feelings...so understandable...but the fact that people gravitivate towards and around you? That doesn't surprise me. You are a beautiful person. Sending you vibes of friendship and support!

  11. I can understand why you would feel that way, but you shouldn't.

  12. I know how you feel, I went down the shore with family when my MomMom was sick and had a good time... and while we were gone she died. I felt so guilty for laughing and having fun while she was dying instead of being by her side. I was 13 and it was my first loss because when my PopPop died I was still a baby. I know know that even thought her time on earth was done, mine wasn't... so I had to go on living like she would have wanted me to do. It is difficult to admit but you may find love again and your husband would want you to take the chance... but until you're ready, give yourself a break and let yourself out of the grief once in a while just to live again. Your husband's memory will still be there with you. Remember, He was in love with all of Barbara... including the fun-loving, funny, beautiful, sexy Barbara. I am always thinking of you and look forward to getting together with you in the next month or so. See you soon. *M*

  13. You've done nothing wrong. If you don't decompress every once in awhile you will explode. When you manage to have some fun, enjoy it and skip the guilt if you can.

  14. The "least bit attractive to the opposite sex"???? Have you looked in the mirror lately?
    Anyway...you took a major step by even participating in that social setting so check that off as an accomplishment and move on. Each time it will get easier and I would imagine the guilt feelings will subside as you realize ALL Mark would wish for you for the rest of your life is for you to be happy and to find someone with whom to share the rest of your long life.

  15. Awww babe. You're drop dead gorgeous. And your spirit is amazing on its own - minus the looks. I'm not surprised about the attention you got. I love you.

  16. Perfectly normal Barb. I am glad you were able to laugh though. That is the important part. I just read something recently that said "the earth is for the living" or something very close to it.

  17. It's nice to hear you had a good time but makes me sad to think you spent the next day racked with guilt. Your husband wouldn't want you sitting in your room feeling guilty. He'd want you out, laughing and socializing and enjoying life.