03 August 2011

Realizing When I was Fat

As I was walking into my building at work today, it FINALLY struck me that at one point pre band  I  was fat.

Now bear with me on this one...

Prior to getting the band, I really truly must have had some type of body dysmorphic disorder going on in my head.

Even at 250 pounds, I never ever thought of my self as Fat or overweight (just a little on the chunky side)
Yes, I wore plus sizes, yes my shoes width was WW, yes I considered my appetite and food selection  to be balanced and healthy.

YES.. I was in total denial about what was really going on inside my head and body...

It wasn't until I saw the scale move into the 150's that I realized that about 100 pounds ago I really was fat.
Now I do not say this to make anyone out there who is just starting this journey feel bad.
My point is that I just didn't realize that my mental and physical shape were so out of alignment. When I was a heavier weight, I did not see myself any different than a person within a normal weight range.

Little did I know that now there are differences, such as:

Who knew that it would be so much easier to run up a flight of stairs
That there would be a day when size 8 was really within my reach.
That the quality of food was more important than quantity
That looking in the mirror and saying I guess I look OK, vs. I look great
When my shadow actually looks like a shadow and not like a huge dark spot on the ground, that my body has shape and definition.
That I would have a better sense of self,
and that it is all good... ALL OF IT.

hugs

12 comments:

  1. The shadow part make me laugh. One of my earliest goal was having a smaller shadow than my husband when we were walking side by side! I used to hate seeing my blob next to his thin one. No more!

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  2. Even with only about 40 lbs lost, I am amazed at how much easier everthing feels. I can't wait to get to 100 lbs lost- I might start to run up a flight of steps too!

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  3. Well, I knew I was fat and pretty much just accepted it. I never wanted to go anywhere. I was a wreck when I had to meet my husbands' co workers and spouses. Of course, now I realize just how fat I was! I feel better now, but most days I still feel fat.

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  4. Denial was my best friend. That's why i hated having my pciture taken because I would be forced to deal with the fact that I was 272 lbs of fatness. But at the same time, i always justified my weight by comparing myself to others "Thank God I'm not as big as her..." What was I thinking and who was I to judge?

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  5. Well said. I was ALL about denial on the inside even if maybe I really did know...

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  6. I knew I was fat and am still overweight. I think I was harsher on myself than anyone else could've been. Part of this journey for me is learning to be nicer to myself. It's fascinating how different these experiences can be but it all comes down to finding yourself.

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  7. I hear you sister friend!

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  8. It's the freedom isn't it? Suddenly realizing all you are capable of and what you missed.

    For me, denial never allowed me to have the fire I needed to make the changes. I never thought of calling myself fat to be cruel. Just where I was.

    I get it. I'm back after it again, but I get it.

    Great post.

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  9. I'm in love with this post. I may even have an affair with it and have its illegitimate love child.

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  10. Where you at, girlfriend??? Hope all is well... how are Thelma and Lou?

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  11. OH man - I'm with Joey - I'm in love with this post too. I wonder if she'd consider a threesome??

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