18 July 2011

Understanding Where I have Been and Where I am going

It's Monday..
Not my favorite day of the week, but its still Monday.

I actually did not go to work today... yeah I can tell you that I had plantation shutters installed in my family room, and yeah I called a plumber to fix a leak that resulted in my water bill going up 4X normal cause I could not motivate myself to do so sooner... but none of that has a bearing on my current sense of self.

So true confessions are about to be revealed....

It's been almost 6 months since Mark has died.
There is not a day that I do not miss him.
Thankfully the magic of medication pulled me out of a tail spin around month two.
Months three and four, I gained a sense of self again, and tried to figure out the difference between coping and surviving and then I moved from surviving to living.

This is not a sad email so do not feel compassion or feel sorrow for me.. it is a confession.
A confession to all (you, my daughters, just whom ever is reading)....

I was totally lost without Mark.. I spent five intense years of worry, fear, knowing that the inevitable was going to happen.. caring deeply for him to find a way for him to live.. but his cancer was incurable.. and he was the most incredible man I will ever know.  He was a better father, than I was a mother,he had unconditional love.. he would and did anything for me and for our daughters

And that is all gone now.. no more.. gone.. forever...
I knew that he was going to die, but I never ever ever accepted that it would happen.
No matter how many doctors nudged me to the fact that was the fate, I refused to listen, accept.. I selfishly wanted him to live and to be with me.. god damn it  that is how its supposed to be.
His body pushed and pushed to stay alive.. the cancer won.

So, here I am.. lost (but not weak)... alone.
I am a strong woman professionally, personally.. not so much.

I think I am kind and caring.. I have my faults
And perhaps my desire to be with someone again has hurt those that I love the most.
I am human.

I am not looking to replace Mark
I am looking to move foreward.

And so that is where the confession starts.. I have dated (several guys) and quite frankly, I have found one that I really do relate with... he is so different from anyone that I have known before and he makes me smile and laugh..

He is incredibly respectful of Mark and understanding of my personal situation.
He makes me smile, and laugh, and dries my tears and tells me that it is time to focus on Barbara.

He is a shoulder to lean on... a person to talk to, a hug, a kiss, a person to make me smile...

So judge me if you wish.. but I am no longer keeping this under wraps.

I am truly enjoying life..  My heart is still and will forever be filled with love for Mark.. I am allowing a little space to open up in my heart, to allow someone new to enter
I will always honor my husband and cherish the love we shared
I am also allowing myself to move forward and to live again.

So there, now you know.. and I feel good sharing this with you and with the two people whom I  have always loved more than life itself..


Barbara

33 comments:

  1. As I read this, I'm feeling incredibly blessed that you shared this. I'm glad that you are feeling joy again sweet friend!

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  2. My mother had a very long terrible illness. My father was a wonderful man and a faithful husband through sickeness and health. When my mom died, daddy started dating shortly after that. None of his children were concerned, we loved our dad, we wanted him to have some joy in his life after so much pain. I think when you are in a good marriage, it's natural to want to share your life with someone again. I'm happy for you!

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  3. Well I for one am not going to judge you! I think it is great! You aren't supposed to sit around in a hole. Mark wouldn't have wanted that I feel sure. You are not trying to replace him you are trying to live! So live! :)

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  4. I completely agree with Theresa. When you have a wonderful, healthy love with someone and they are no longer with you, it is only natural for you to want to share that with someone again. Nobody thinks you will ever try to replace him. You deserve much happiness, and I hope this guy helps you find it!

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  5. I'm so happy for you! You deserve this and shouldn't feel even a little bit bad about it.

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  6. Mark would never have wanted you to dwell in Mourn for him all the rest of your days. You need to find happiness again, It will not be the same, may not be "as Perfect" or may be perfect for the woman you are today. There's room in that big heart of yours for one more, I just know it. XOXO *M*

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  7. OMG, I love you more with each post! I can't believe how strong you are!

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  8. I am pretty sure that we all would say the same thing about you...that you are incredibly brave and smart and wise...and have nice big knockers. I think that no one but you knows what is best for you and that's that. I think about you often.

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  9. Thank you for sharing, for being brave, for being you. Keep moving forward (notice I didn't say "move on", I know you will always have Mark in your heart). Loves and hugs to you.

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  10. You have nothing to worry about. I am so happy for you! I'm sure Mark would not have wanted you to be alone and sad. Good for you!

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  11. I would say, Thelma and Louise might be a bit happier now. {{{HUGS}}} as always from me.

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  12. Thanks for sharing this! Just because your husband died, doesn't mean you have to and he would want you to be happy! Glad you've found someone that does that for you!

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  13. You deserve to be happy and loved. I'm so proud to call you my friend, Barb.

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  14. Aww, never judgement! You deserve happiness and I love that you have found someone to share happy moments with. You shouldn't have to hide that. :)

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  15. I think Theresa and everyone else said it perfectly.......Enjoy yourself Barbara!

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  16. Good for you, Barbara! No judgement here. I am happy for you that you are smiling and I am proud of you that you are doing good things for yourself. XOXO

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  17. You are an amazing and courageous woman... hang in there and b true to yourself! btw... i will be up in south jersey in august (6th-12th)... maybe you, cindylew, maria and i could meet up some night? email me if you are interested (sarah-fogler@comcast dot net). XOXOXO

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  18. Can't say it any better than everyone else did... you deserve all the happiness in the world!

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  19. No judgement here Barb. I am happy that you are able to move on. I also completely understand that your moving forward in no way lessons the love and life you had with your husband. I am certain, based on everything you've every said about him, that he is smiling down on you every second of the day!

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  20. You deserve the best in life and you had that for so long with Mark, there is no reason you don't deserve it again. It isn't disrespectful and Mark will know how you feel. You are a wonderful vivacious, beautiful woman and you have so much love to give, Mark wouldn't want you shut off from the world like a hermit. He would want you to life the life you deserve...one of happiness and it sounds like you found a great guy!!!

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  21. That's some of the best news...because Mark more than anyone wanted you to be happy with and for the rest of your life. Whenever you're ready...let's "double".

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  22. Barbara, I have sensed a lift in your spirits from your posts and marveled at how transformational plastic surgery can be. Now the magic ingredient has been revealed!

    I'm glad you've found someone you enjoy being with. I hope your close family and friends can be happy for you as well. It's complicated. You're wise to take it at face value and enjoy the life you have, even though it may not be the life you planned. xoxo

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  23. Very late to this but I'm very happy that you're happier, hope that it continues to go really well.

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  24. It warms my heart to think you have found another man who can make you feel better about life and living it. Of course he cannot replace Mark but our hearts are big enough to allow everyone in if we let it. Our hearts grow as needed and no one has to move over to make that happen. So glad you're finding happiness and laughter again.

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  25. I am late to comment but I want you to know that this post makes me so happy I could cry. You did not choose to be single...but you can choose to be happy and keep on living as God intended. Mark's life tragically ended but yours did not...and who is anyone to judge who hasn't spent one moment in your shoes? I love you babe...if I ever lose Rambo - I hope to be able to handle it with the grace and dignity and love for your continued life as you do.

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  26. I want you to know that my dad was the most amazing person I've ever known. When he died from cancer, my mom dated soon after also. It wasn't hard on me or my siblings to accept because after all that my mom had gone through, the sorrow, the fear, and the loneliness, we WANTED her to date someone. We wanted to see a smile on her face again - she deserved it! We didn't want her life and her happiness to be over. We all live our lives trying to honor my father - and living life to the fullest is an honor to him. So, its not a confession, you've got it all wrong. Its a testament to love and honor to show that your relationship was so strong that you continue to live your life to honor him. Happiness and sharing your beautiful soul means that you are honoring yourself and those special people who are part of it. I am so happy for you - and keep it up!

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  27. If I spent a month of Sundays trying - I could never ever have expressed so beautifully what The cozy coconut just did. I couldn't possibly agree with her more - it's a testament to your life and love with Mark. Don't feel like it's a confession - feel proud that you can honor the love you shared and the man you shared it with. The heart is a wondrous thing - it continues to expand and make room. I'm so madly in love with you and your strength and beauty!!

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  28. This post made me cry with joy. Cozy Coconut said it best. I'm so thrilled for you Barb. I love you so much.

    I pray that I develope into a woman of your stature in my life.

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  29. Good for you Barbara.

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  30. Thanks so much for the sweet tears that your words have induced. I am so happy for you and proud of your courge and strength.....I always say "I rely on no one for my happiness....I make my own", looks like you are too. keep it up.

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  31. Hi Barb, I am a new follower...I just have to say, this was a beautiful post. Not long after your Mark died, my dad passed away, and I am planning on showing this blog entry to my mom.

    The best way for you to honor Mark's memory is to continue living your life. Big hugs, and I can't wait to meet you (and Thelma and Louise!) in Chicago!

    Liz

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  32. Oh Barb I am so glad you are making your way, and like Cozy said, honoring Mark by continuing to find joy in life. You are such an amazing woman.


    Gen

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  33. Hi Barb- I am a new follower. This post really touched me. My mom died 10 months ago. She fought cancer for 30 years and it was tough on all of us. My dad took care of her until the very end. I do not ever doubt his love for her. He started dating 5 months later. I was a little thrown at first but I have accepted it. He is still alive and he should have more chances for happiness. You should too.

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