Understanding Where I have Been and Where I am going

It's Monday..
Not my favorite day of the week, but its still Monday.

I actually did not go to work today... yeah I can tell you that I had plantation shutters installed in my family room, and yeah I called a plumber to fix a leak that resulted in my water bill going up 4X normal cause I could not motivate myself to do so sooner... but none of that has a bearing on my current sense of self.

So true confessions are about to be revealed....

It's been almost 6 months since Mark has died.
There is not a day that I do not miss him.
Thankfully the magic of medication pulled me out of a tail spin around month two.
Months three and four, I gained a sense of self again, and tried to figure out the difference between coping and surviving and then I moved from surviving to living.

This is not a sad email so do not feel compassion or feel sorrow for me.. it is a confession.
A confession to all (you, my daughters, just whom ever is reading)....

I was totally lost without Mark.. I spent five intense years of worry, fear, knowing that the inevitable was going to happen.. caring deeply for him to find a way for him to live.. but his cancer was incurable.. and he was the most incredible man I will ever know.  He was a better father, than I was a mother,he had unconditional love.. he would and did anything for me and for our daughters

And that is all gone now.. no more.. gone.. forever...
I knew that he was going to die, but I never ever ever accepted that it would happen.
No matter how many doctors nudged me to the fact that was the fate, I refused to listen, accept.. I selfishly wanted him to live and to be with me.. god damn it  that is how its supposed to be.
His body pushed and pushed to stay alive.. the cancer won.

So, here I am.. lost (but not weak)... alone.
I am a strong woman professionally, personally.. not so much.

I think I am kind and caring.. I have my faults
And perhaps my desire to be with someone again has hurt those that I love the most.
I am human.

I am not looking to replace Mark
I am looking to move foreward.

And so that is where the confession starts.. I have dated (several guys) and quite frankly, I have found one that I really do relate with... he is so different from anyone that I have known before and he makes me smile and laugh..

He is incredibly respectful of Mark and understanding of my personal situation.
He makes me smile, and laugh, and dries my tears and tells me that it is time to focus on Barbara.

He is a shoulder to lean on... a person to talk to, a hug, a kiss, a person to make me smile...

So judge me if you wish.. but I am no longer keeping this under wraps.

I am truly enjoying life..  My heart is still and will forever be filled with love for Mark.. I am allowing a little space to open up in my heart, to allow someone new to enter
I will always honor my husband and cherish the love we shared
I am also allowing myself to move forward and to live again.

So there, now you know.. and I feel good sharing this with you and with the two people whom I  have always loved more than life itself..


Barbara