01 April 2012


Why do I feel so freakin Guility???

I am in such a good place in my life right now.

I have just had the most amazing weekend of fun and have never felt so happy.

Yet I feel so guilty.

I feel as though I should not be at this state of mind of happiness at this point in my life.

We just got back from a 3 hr ride on the Harley, up the Delaware River,It was awesome!!

I have not been this happy is so long...
I can't remember the last time.55

K is so wonderful to me .
He loves me so much, how can that be??
He tells me I am beautiful, and that he loves me.

Reallly I think.. I am 55.. what can be so beautiful at 55?

Yet, without fail, he reminds me that I am an amazing woman, more than he can imagine.
Can you all understand how hard that is to acknowledge?

Not that I think I am an ogre or some odd person, but to hear someone tell you that they love you after an incredibly long marriage is a very hard thing to take in...

I feel so guilty for allowing myself to love again.
WHy should I?
The timing is off..

It's a very difficult emotion to come to grips with.

THis is not how my life is to play out.. Mark and I were to live on to infininty... and now all of that is gone and I am left to start new...

I feel so guilty... my emotions are in a turmoil... I cant let go, but I want to move forward so badly.

Have any of you experience this tug of emotions?

It is so difficult to explain in words... How can I..

I can only pray to GOd that he will navigate me to the place where I belong..
although, I think I know.. I just want to be sure.

thank youto all of my good friends in blog land.. you have been my life line in this journey of discovery.. I love you all.

Be well


  1. My heart aches for you my beautiful friend. I have not experienced the tragic loss that you have, but I can tell you what I told a very good friend and later my mom when they lost their husbands and felt guilty about "moving on": "You aren't moving on- you are moving forward. You are the wonderful woman you are today because you had a wonderful man who loved you. He would never, ever, want you to be alone because he knew how special you are. Love is meant to be shared and I am so happy you have found someone to share it with."

    We're here for you.

  2. You know as you try to figure out what your new normal is (which will take a long time) you just have to keep asking yourself, if your roles were reversed, would you want him to be happy, would you want him to be loved by someone? You would never deny him that, and I feel certain he would want all those things for you. I pray that as you move into this new territory, you can change that guilt into peace. Praying for you.

  3. No, I've never gone through anything like what you have but I've always heard that the more happy a person was in a marriage, the more likely they are to find love and marry again. I've read studies on this topic and I've seen it happen several times and I believe it to be true. If you ask me, that is a great testament to the love and life you shared with Mark.

  4. I have attempted some words of wisdom which I've deleted as the wise ladies before me said it so much better but I wanted you to know that I think you're just lovely and you deserve to be happy!

  5. A good therapist is my recomendation for everything. That and surround yourself with friends and good wine...oh, you've done that. So, all that's left is be as kind to yourself as you are to others and take the time you need. Big Hug!

  6. I think something deep inside me is paranoid that if I'm too happy, the other shoe will drop, you know? And I don't have the situation you have. But we SHOULD be happy and be happy we are happy. :) Hugs friend!

  7. Angela nailed it. I hope you embrace this happiness! You deserve it! Isn't the Harley just the greatest thing?


  8. I know you are going to struggle at times to get used to moving forward... but please know that you deserve this love and happiness and Mark would be thrilled to know you found love again. My Mother lost my father 9 years ago, and found her way back to her first love who took her proms and was her "First"... Now they are engaged. My Dad would be so excited to know she is not alone, and has someone to spend the rest of her life with... Be Happy... You deserve it. XOXO *M*