Around june-julyish of this year, I started to contemplate how I was going to face the holidays.
Last year I was a total coward, and just picked up and left and went to Florida. I did not console my grieving daughters or family. I just escaped.
The months of December and January will always bring haunting memories to me.
I will forever relive the events that occurred as Mark became sicker and sicker and then ultimately passed away.
His last Christmas was horrific.
I am sorry that is so blunt, but trust my words, without asking for further explanation.
A slow death is horrific to watch.
And to this day I carry a tremendous amount of guilt that I did not have the wisdom to intercede more swiftly.
It was and will always be, the most emotionally tormenting experience of my life. period.
Having stated the above, it brings me to present day .....
This year, I come into the holidays with a different perspective. I will still grieve; but I also want to embrace the holiday.
I bought a tree,
I put up decorations and lights outside.
I am going to bake cookies
I am going to be present in the season.
My life will never be the same again. There is an absence of Mark and my family and holiday traditions.
I need to accept that, and I have.
I am in an emotional rebuilding mode.
I feel safe.
I wish some things in my life were different; but I have made choices that will not make that possible.
I have accepted that, but will continue to be open to change things
I really do enjoy the holiday's though.
It brings old memories forward and encourages me to create new ones!
I want to find the Peace that greeting cards preach about.
I want to find the Joy that choirs sing about.
And lastly, I want to find the Love that surrounds us, even though we are sometimes blind to it and need to literally have our eyes opened.
Do not get caught up in the commercialism
Let yourself fall into the magic of the holiday